When we were first beginning this adoption process, I would read blog after blog, excitedly anticipating the days ahead--imagining what God was going to do in our family. Occasionally, I would come across a blog or a Facebook friend whose author was in the "depths of despair." From what they were saying and how they were reacting, it seemed like they had just snapped. They were furious with the system. They were ranting about injustice. Their emotions were filled with anger and discouragement. Though claiming to be Christians, their trust in God seemed to be cast aside. They seemed to have forgotten all about the fact that our God really is sovereignly ruling this universe. In fact, it had sounded like God had been sucked right out of their process. Now, it was just them against the system.
As a novice in this adoption chaos, before I even really knew the pain of waiting and unsurety, I made a decision that I would not let this process "break" me or my faith in God. Especially with this public platform of a blog, I never wanted my words or my responses to be a disparaging reflection of my God's character.
This wouldn't be because my faith was especially strong, it would be because my God is especially sustaining.
I knew these things to be true of God while I was walking in the light and things were easy and exciting. I wanted those same truths to sustain me, should this journey get hard and dark.
Well, here we are. This journey has gotten incredibly difficult and so very dark. I have not given many updates on this blog recently for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is because each new hurdle that arises takes weeks and weeks (or months) to jump or rather to even to have answers in how to move forward. The other reason is that some of these hurdles have been sensitive. I do not want to jeopardize our ability to move forward because I put too many details on the internet, thereby angering some government employee who holds the key to our process.
Our most recent hurdles have involved a government worker, who has refused to sign our son's documents for six months now--keeping us frozen in time, unable to move forward. One signature--we have been waiting on one signature for six months! They have involved orphanage directors, who have literally threatened to steal my son and to give him away to another agency and family. Sadly, there are people who would do this, just to make an extra buck. She would steal my son from my very arms, just because I can't do anything about it and she could make some extra money. These hurdles have been broken systems, which seem unable to enforce their own declarations. They have involved inability to get updates or to even verify my son's location and health. No pictures. Not a word for six months on if he is even alive and well.
We've been waiting for almost three weeks now for an authority to step in and make it impossible for my son to be stolen. While with each day that passes, he could be disappearing already, because our agency is not allowed to check on him and see him.
Spread throughout these roadblocks have been holidays off of work in both Ethiopia and the US. Internet outages. Phones are down. Key employees taking extended vacations. Refusals to show up to meetings or to answer communications.
These have been dark days. Psalm 42-43 have become my hiding place, a refuge from the painful reality that my son may never come home. I read:
Psalm 421 As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?3 My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”4 These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: How I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.6 My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.7 Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. 8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.9 I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” Let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!10 As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
Psalm 431 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me!2 For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?3 Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me;4 Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
I feel as if the author is writing about my own life. He writes of a longing and need for God's presence. I praise God because His very nature is ever present. As my days seem like I am always only a question or two away from tears, my nights awakened with sadness, I sometimes begin to wonder with my enemies--where is my God? I pour out my soul to my Father, remembering His goodness and faithfulness in the past days, reminding myself that He is still the same God. My soul is cast down and my emotions in turmoil...yet my thoughts must be redirected: "Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
Some days, I do feel forgotten. I do wonder if God is working. I must hope in what I know to be true about God. Let me praise him again, for He is my salvation and my God.
Those evil ones who are seeking to steal my son and stop our adoption, I plead to God for deliverance. I pray that His truth will lead me, to know which course of action to take.
Though my heart hurts and I struggle to see God's hand working, I must push through like the psalmist and remind myself: "Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
When these days were easier, I felt like I could shout from the mountaintops: "Hope in God; I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
More recently, this cry has become more of a whisper, reminding myself that I can hope in God...I will again praise Him. He is my only salvation. My God.
Whether my greatest joy is realized or whether my deepest fear comes true, this truth must be my mantra. God may graciously choose to bring my son home. God may sovereignly ordain that He will be praised more in sustaining us through loss. I pray that either way, I will say:
"Hope in God; for I shall yet again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
Friends, please pray with me that God's working would be known. Please pray that He would break hard hearts who are striving so diligently to tear our son from us. You can pray specifically about each of the hurdles mentioned above.
But beyond this, pray that God would be praised, whether my desires are met or not.
I thank you for your love and care. I thank you for your willingness to intercede before the Father in such a personal way for us.
