My God, Giver of Rest

Psalm 4
1    Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
4    Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. 
5    Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord. 
8    In peace, I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. 

My God, Giver of Rest
Lord, you have given me relief in my distress. Though my circumstances are uncertain. Though I still have no answers. Though we are not moving an inch. Though I do not know the end. You have caused my heart to rest. My heart rests in you.

To you, Lord, I offer the sacrifice of my heart. The sacrifice of my own will and desires. I offer them to you. Lord, do your work as you desire. Do your will as you see best.

God, I thank you for the sleep that you have provided these last few nights. Before, my heart was so anxious--my mind unable to stop. But you have delivered peace to my mind. You have given me rest. Under the shadow of your winds, though the storms continues to rage about me, I dwell in safety. Your safety.

For these things, I praise you.

God in My Darkness

As many of you have heard by now, this last week has been an incredibly difficult week for Dave and I. Last Tuesday, as I was finishing up nannying, and about thirty minutes before I was supposed to come teach Bible study, I received a terrifying e-mail about our adoption agency. On Friday, my grandfather unexpectedly passed away. 

I have debated as to whether or not I wanted to let you all see just how deeply I have been hurting—the breadth of my emotions. It would not be easy to share these details with you. It would certainly not be enjoyable for any of us. But, from the start I have promised to share both the highs and the lows of this journey. So today, I am going to take you on a bit of a roller coaster of emotions—the roller coaster that I have been riding this past week. Please, not so that you would feel bad for me, but so that we know how to pray for another when we are experiencing deep pain. So that we know how to walk through fire, holding the Almighty hand of our loving Father. So we know how to “truth ourself” when our mind is feeding us lies. 

So I am going to share with you the words from my journal. The words are raw, not all spiritual..but real. 

Written 2.12.14

Last night, as I was finishing up work, I received an e-mail from another adoptive parent. The email contained just about the worst news that an adoptive parent could ever receive. It contained a press release from the Department of Justice-stating that our agency’s director, along with three other agency staff members (some past and some present), had been arrested with charges of fraud. As I read the incredulous release, my heart stopped. I read it over and over again, scanning it for some shred of hope to hold onto-Praying desperately that this had nothing to do with us or our precious son. 

But there it was-plain and bold-indicted for fraud. 

Everything that we had spent months researching, to be sure that we were choosing an ethical agency, was seemingly proven false. 

I could barely hide my emotions as I waited to leave work. The Bible study that I was to lead that evening-there was no way I could teach. I couldn’t even speak. My loving David rearranged all of the details to relieve me of the evening’s duties. I handed over the key to the church and my lesson for the evening without words—only a long hug of sympathy and streaming tears. 

I drove home from work in the black evening. I felt lifeless, frozen with fear, completely unsure of anything. My fearful heart was darting in a hundred different directions, with a million different questions: What about my Oliver? Is his paperwork fraudulent? Is he truly an orphan or does he have another family out there-a birth family-possibly searching for him? Would he ever be mine? Would he ever be anyone’s? Would he disappear-forever lost behind the shroud of Ethiopian government and red tape? If he is not truly an orphan-I want the best for him, for him to be reunited with his birth family…But I already love him. He is my son-my only precious child, the already treasure of my heart. Could he be lost forever? I had already lost one son in this process—I simply could not bear losing another…Please God, Oh God, do not take Oliver. 

I arrived home and was met with the instant embrace of my husband—a long hold from the only other soul who ached as much as I. 

After what seemed an eternity, we were finally able to reach our adoption coordinator. The poor woman, as shocked as we, was forced to answers hundreds of e-mails and phone calls—to give answers when she really had none. 

She informed us that some of the employees arrested had been previously let go from our agency—for failure to follow proper protocol. Her assumption was that the director was arrested because of their actions, as he is in charge. She reiterated her strong confidence in the director. He had told her many times before that he welcomed any oversight or government to comb through the files—they were clean, in perfect order, he said. Of course, at this point, only time will tell…

When we asked her to explain worst case scenario, she described that our agency could close, all cases would be examined carefully, then taken over to be completed by another agency.

But we know…there is a scenario that is far worse than that. Oliver’s case could be found to be falsified. He may have a family or he may not. But he may never be ours. 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet testing of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind…

(End journal excerpt.)

Since that first night, we have been advised, along with the dozens of other families in our same boat, by an adoption lawyer to pursue a private investigation to ensure that Oliver’s story checks out…To be sure that he is truly an orphan. This Ethiopian investigator will travel to the village where Oliver was found and track down the man who found him and brought him into the police station. The investigator will question the man and use Oliver’s picture to search for any other information about his origins. If we can use that information to verify that Oliver is truly adoptable, then we will move forward with either hiring an Ethiopian lawyer or an adoption agency here to help us finish our adoption. The journey ahead of us is going to be long and difficult. We do not know what we will find. We do not know the end. 

Of course, we still have not even seen the full indictment that has been brought. We don't even know what exactly they have been charged with--it could be relatively small or it could be very, very bad. Nothing has been proven conclusively yet. Nothing has come out as sure truth. We wait. 

There are so many unknowns. So many questions. So many fears. So many doubts. But there is one thing I know: I know God. I know who He is. He is good. He is loving. He is sovereign-in control-over all things. He does all things well. He does not make mistakes. These things that I have learned about God in the light are still true in the darkness. 

This week, as my mind keeps trying to run wild with fear or anxiety, I have been battling hard to grasp on to the things I know to be true. God is in control. He knows the beginning from the end. This is what I know. This is the anchor for my soul. This is where I have to fight to keep my mind. I thank so many of you who have been praying for me, reaching out to me, sending messages of truth and encouragement to me. God is good. 

"Job trusted God on the day of testing because Job trusted God before the day of testing. God had already proven Himself trustworthy long before the test. The truth remains: Job may have been confused about the circumstances, but he was never confused about his God." Trust, Hope, Pray Priebe

Hopeful

Many of you sweet friends have been sending notes, emails, texts, and hugs of encouragement to me these last few weeks. My days have been up. My days have been down. I have struggled to think on truth...yet I have battled hard to saturate my mind in that truth. God is good.

I rest in the hands of a sovereign God. A God whose goodness is overwhelming, whose grace is unending, whose love is abundant. 

I have come to a few conclusions regarding this sweet boy who will not be ours. My role in his life has changed--I will not be his mother, but I do believe that I will always have a role to play in this boy's life... even if I never meet him. His precious face will never be erased from my memory (or my computer, for that matter). Rather now, I pray for him. I pray that God will work in his life to care for each of his needs and to find him a family when that time comes.

But more than that, I pray that he will someday know the overwhelming goodness, unending grace and abundant love of the Almighty Father. A Father who will never leave him, nor forsake him. 

So I pray. I pray for this boy.

And I wait. I wait for my own boy.

So today, as I pray, I am hopeful. Hopeful for what God has in store in the days to come.

Inside My Heart: Part 1

It's always difficult to even begin to capture what's happening in one's heart. Each of us has unique circumstances that are hard to explain or communicate to another soul. Yet in many ways, we are the same. Sure, you may have never experienced the adoption process-the longing or impatience that goes along with it. But you know a heart that aches for something, you know the difficulty of waiting on God for His timing, you know the agonizing hurt of loss, you know the “belief” that your own plans are best, you know the difficulty of waiting for someone else to lead, you know what it's like to miss someone desperately, you know the pain of unmet desires. Each of us may be on our own faith walk-that is by no means exactly like another's-yet we have all experienced these emotions. We each have felt these things as we sought to see God's hand in our circumstances. 

Because of this commonality, I write to you what's going on in my heart. I know you can relate. I want to share the low points of my raw emotions, as well as the truths of the Word that have been a salve to my spirit. I pray that whether you are reading this through the lens of adoption specifically or not, you can apply the truths to your own heart. 

Early on in this process, I decided that I would attempt to be wide open about our adoption process. I didn't begin this blog, documenting our process, so that you could necessarily understand me. I don't write because your understanding is essential to my existence. Or because the only way for me to be loved and supported by you is if you understand what I am thinking. We all have experienced the fault in that reasoning. Your ability to love me is not based on if you understand exactly what I’m going through. My ability to live life and obey God is not based on if I feel loved or understood. 

God has given us many clear commands in Scripture:

"Be holy, for I am holy."

"Sin not, don't let the sun go down on your anger."

"Love God. Love others."

"Husbands, love your wives. Wives, submit to your husbands."

"Judge not."

"Love others as you would love yourself."

And the list goes on. We know these commands. We seek to obey these commands...most of the time. But sometimes, we allow ourselves to believe that we've found a loophole. Generally, we give ourselves these "loopholes" because of someone else's actions. We find ourselves believing that because so-and-so (husband, wife, friend, child) isn’t obeying God in our relationship like they’re supposed to, then we don’t have to do our part either. You know, my husband doesn’t love me like I want him to, so I don’t have to respect and honor him like I’m called to do. Or my children are not obeying me (even though I was sure to teach them Ephesians 6:1), so I do not have to be patient with them. Or this other lady (who I thought was my friend) is gossiping about me, so I no longer have to love her as Christ loves her. 

See what I mean?

Often, we deceive ourselves into thinking that we only have to obey God in our lives if the others around us are meeting our “needs” (actually, desires). We allow the world’s psychology to subtly sneak in to our thinking: I can’t honor my husband because he won’t ____ (you fill in the blank.) I can’t love that person after what they did to me. We justify our disobedience by their disobedience. 

Christian friend, that is not how this life is supposed to work. That’s a broken system. Not what God called us to.

I am expected to obey God independently of other people's responses or understanding of me. We all are.

This first post in this series is more of a foundation. I felt like I needed to explain this before I moved on to share my own emotions. I would never want any of you to get the wrong impression about my purposes for writing. I can still "feel loved" by you even if you do not know anything about adoption. So please do not misunderstand my post. 

We can encourage one another regardless of if we understand exactly what the other is going through. 

My main reason for being this open in regards to our adoption is simple: I want other people to consider adoption. You are probably reading this either because you are intrigued by adoption or maybe just because you know and love me. Either way, I want to pull back the mysterious cover from adoption. I want to dispel the common doubts-you know the ones. You've heard them before, or perhaps you've even thought them yourself. 

     -Adoption is only for people who cannot otherwise naturally have children.

     -Adoption is really expensive, so it must only be for "rich" families.

     -Orphaned children are better off on their own anyways, staying in their native countries.

     -The command in the Bible that tells all Christians to care for orphans isn't really talking about me.

    -There's so much corruption in the international adoption world, we should just stay away. After all, I don't want to have any part in unethical means. So I'll just do nothing.

    -I don’t think I could ever really love a child that’s not my own blood. 

I want to use the truth to help you rid your mind of some of these untruths. I want you to make your decision as to whether or not you should adopt based on this question: Is God directing our family to adopt or not?

After all, that is how we, as Christians, claim to make all our decisions, right? So let's be realistic and truthful about our thinking. Let's allow God to direct us to accomplish whatever He calls us to. 

That all being said, I intend to paint a picture of the adoption journey that is realistic. It won't do any of us any good if I make it sound like a bed of roses. That wouldn't be true either.

So here I share what's going on in my heart from day to day during this waiting journey. Raw. Realistic. True. 

Missing the Point

I love to have control of my life's circumstances. I might seek it through a variety of different ways, some of which may sound pretty "spiritual." When I begin to get overwhelmed with a particular circumstance in my life (ie. adoption), my automatic response is usually to come up with my own plan as to how I can fix the problem/accomplish my will. I organize and plan until everything makes perfect sense in my mind--then I begin to tackle the list until my plan is carried out. Sounds like a great thing, huh? I am an organized, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, independent kind of girl.

In this world's economy, this solution seems great! It looks and sounds good. But, as a Christian, when I attempt to carry out my own will in this way, I COMPLETELY miss the point!! You see, although I am called to be a wise steward of all that God gives me (my time, my life, my finances, etc.), I am not the one that is ultimately in control. My God is sovereign over all of life's details, great and small. He did not just create us, and then send us out on our own without His involvement and intervention. As God, He has the authority and the ability to hold this position in my life. As my sweet friend Jo often says, "God is God, and I am not."

God has been accomplishing much in my heart--teaching me over and over that HE is in control of my circumstances. This week, He used a Christian book study (Praying Backwards: Transform Your Prayer Life by Beginning in Jesus' Name by Bryan Chapell) that I am going through with a small group of ladies from our church. As I was preparing to lead the study, this paragraph jumped out at me:

We seem content to ask God to bless our management of the details of our life. These details, it seems, are best handled by our own grit and wit but, of course, with the hope for God’s intercession in times of crisis when he might really be needed.

This was describing me to a "T." This is precisely what I had been doing, handling life's struggles and details with my own grit. Pray with me that God will continue to solidify this Truth in my mind, heart and actions. 

Tuesday morning, our little group gathered together to discuss this week's chapter from our book. As we settled in at our corner table, it became quickly evident that each of us had come in heavy-laden with the burdens and worries of life. Yet we each came that morning--hungry for relief from burdens, ready for encouragement, wanting to grow as we were changed by the truths of the Word. I am thankful for this group of ladies. As we shared our struggles of the week, applied God's Word to our hearts, and lifted up one another in prayer--we each walked away encouraged. Our focus had been realigned on Truth. Now, we were ready to face the week. I am thankful for these friends who sharpen me to be more like Christ.

Dave and I have been busy, whittling away at our weekly checklist. I'll let you know in the next post what we've been up to. But as I've been going about my way this week, God's truth has gripped my controlling heart. Continue to pray with me that I will allow God to direct my paths. As David writes in Psalm 61:2, pray that when my heart is overwhelmed, I will allow God to lead me to Himself-the Rock that is higher than me.

Closed Doors

Last week was a bit discouraging. It really was a week of closed doors. My last post was a description of all of the options that I thought we had for moving forward with our adoption. God has closed each of our "viable" options at this point, so we are back to the drawing board. Researching, googling and phone calling references.

Behind Door Number One:

Dave and I had decided to move forward with a particular large agency. We excitedly wrote our agency with a few more questions regarding their ability to work with our Ethiopian missionary contact as well as the possibility of pursuing their Uganda pilot program (which has been moving very quickly). I was not expecting the response back that we received from them.

First, the agency told us that they would not be willing to work with our missionary contact. They gave us a variety of reasons as to why this was their decision--some of the reasons seemed legitimate and some of them seemed like they just didn't want to take the time to look into this possibility.

Second, the agency told us that the pilot program had no more current openings, but that we were welcome to sign up on their waiting list for this program. Perhaps you have noticed by now that waiting  is not my strong point...I read this option as the following: After months of waiting to decide which adoption route to pursue, we could sign up on their waiting list, to wait to even get into the program. Once in this program, you wait through your home study, wait through your dossier compilation and submission, get your name put on the waiting list in the African country, wait for a referral, wait for your court date, VISIT, go home, and wait to go back again to pick up your child.

And, Door Number Two:

Door number two is research. It is not an answer or a clear cut decision as to what we should do. Needless to say, we're back to researching agencies. It really is a tricky business trying to decide which route to take. There are many different schools of thought that go into choosing an agency:

• Some prefer to go with a big box agency who will take care of everything for you (in the meantime, they are managing hundreds of other families as well-hopefully, they have my best interest in mind). It just might be, that in these places, it is the agency's long line (rather than the country's line) that's keeping me from holding my sweet child in my arms. 
• Others prefer to choose a smaller agency, who may not have all the bells and whistles, but they will give you their full attention. You will not doubt that they are working hard right alongside you, but it may not be the most streamlined expedition. 
• Still others, the bravest (or maybe the craziest) among us, choose to do everything independently. I am almost positive that we're not cut out for this option. 

The Keeper of the Doors:

After this week's discouraging news, I really was having a hard time. I had been so excited that we were beginning to move forward with an agency, only for that door to be slammed shut. I found myself weary of researching and making decisions. Of course, turning back was really not an option in my mind. After all, this is a child's life we're talking about. I can't grow weary and decide that I'm not going to obey God in his leading us to adoption. What a tragic choice that would be. No, it wasn't discouragement to the point of quitting, more discouragement to the point of not being willing to move forward just now. Perhaps you've been there with your own life decisions...You know, when in your mind, you're to this point: emotionally stubborn, arms crossed, somber look, wondering why God isn't solving my problem the way that I think He should...Yes, this is where I was--stubborn, old me.

My anxious thoughts raced, "Why aren't you showing us the path that you want us to take, Lord?" 

As I verbalized my doubting heart to my sweet husband, he gently responded, "Emiley, don't you see that God is directing us. He's directing us by closing the doors that he has not chosen for us. Aren't you so glad that He's apart of this process, keeping us from making the wrong decisions? He is directing us right to where He wants us."

And here it was again-that subtle mind change that makes all the difference in the world. Rather than choosing to believe the lies of the devil (God should solve this problem the way I think he should in the time frame that I think is best); I needed to believe the truth of God (My perfect, loving Father has everything planned out for me in the way that he knows is best. In his perfect timing and wisdom, he is leading me in the way that he has chosen for me).

Isn't that just the Christian life? Transforming our minds, through the truth of God's Word and the power of His might, so that God can glorify himself by accomplishing much through us. Yes! God is the Keeper of the doors before me. In his time, he will show us which door is right. In the meantime, he is graciously keeping us from straying from His path, gently prodding us by closing doors and redirecting. Through that last week of emotional roller coasters, God has shown me more of his character. Thankful for his gentle guidance.

Fearful to Follow

Over the next few weeks, my heart would turn between extreme excitement and overwhelming fear. Although I knew that my desire was to adopt, I battled through many fears and doubts before resting in this decision. God had a lot of work to do in my heart and in my mind to keep me thinking on truth. It was time to really take every thought captive. Time to take my fearful doubts and align them with the truth of God's Word. It is here that I found rest.

"But Lord, adoption is expensive. How could we ever afford it?"

Discouragement:
International adoption can cost anywhere between $25,000-$40,000. We just do not have this kind of money lying around. Neither do we really think it wise for us to take out a loan for the entire amount. Maybe only wealthy families should adopt. I mean, we don't want to be sending out letters and asking people for money either. Can this really happen?

Truth: 
Philippians 4:19- "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory."
I Thessalonians 5:24- "Faithful is he that calls you, who also will do it."

"What if we let people down by adopting? Maybe we should have our own 'natural-born' children first..."

Discouragement:
Part of me was a bit ashamed that we were deciding to adopt first. I know how much our family and close friends are looking forward to us having children. Wouldn't we be a disappointment? Maybe we should have our own "natural-born" children first, and then adopt down the road.

Truth:
Psalm 31:24- "Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord."
Psalm 131:3- "Hope in the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore."
Psalm 130:5-7 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I hope; My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love..."
Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I spent much time in Psalms to encourage my heart. As I delighted to seek God's direction, He gave me this desire to adopt. It is from Him, so I obey. My hope is in the Lord.

"The wait. The wait can be so long--up to 4 years. Am I really that patient? No."

Discouragement:
I am excited to have a family. I love children and long to raise our own. But the wait can be so long. Some agencies are saying that it can be up to 4 years before everything is all said and done...before you have a child in your arms. I can't wait that long.

Truth:
Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."
Philippians 2:14-15 "Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blamelss and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."
Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."