Already A Mother (Inside My Heart: Part 2)

My son.

He is half way around the world. I miss him. I love him. I am already smitten. Every morning, I wake up thinking about him. And every night, I fall asleep dreaming about his future. I can't wait to take him to the park. For him to play with his puppies, Jack and Charlie. For Dave to be his daddy and to teach him how to throw a baseball. I think of him always. I am his mother.

Yet I have never seen his face.

Some days, my heart feels broken...like someone's squeezing the very life out of it. It hurts. Aches. It's hard to describe. More than the way you feel when you miss someone...it's a deep aching. The only other feeling that I can think to compare it to is when I realized that I was in love with my David, and that we were going to be separated an entire summer before we were married. Oh how my heart hurt as he stepped onto that plane that would take him away. I had never felt that feeling before. It felt like my very breath was being sucked out of me, while simultaneously my heart was being grasped with a grip that would not let up.

I suppose this is love.

On those days, I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat. In fact, I usually do. Just ask my sweet friends who pose a simple question, "How's the adoption going? Have you heard anything?" Only to be met with my instant tears as I choke out, "No, nothing new." Or when my husband briefly mentions our adoption in his sermon, and I find myself sobbing in the front pew for the next ten minutes. Or when I rejoice with another friend, who's announced they're expecting a child-and as I calculate the time in my head, I realize that their child will be in their arms still before mine comes home. These are the days when I cannot possibly read another adoption blog--follow another story of someone else who's hurting this way. Pain.

Because there are no outward signs of my coming child-no swelling stomach, hospital check-ups, ultrasounds-I think it's hard for other people to imagine what's going on inside. Before I began this process, I don't think I would have understood either. I mean, after all, it's not like I've even seen a picture of this boy--how could I feel attached or already feel like a mother? It seems like most people imagine that Dave and I are just a regular childless couple, going about our regular business. That could not be further from the truth.

I think the best way to illustrate would be this:
Moms, when you found out you were expecting-you already knew you were a mom, right? It's not like you started being a mom only when your child was on the outside of you...no, it started right away. You were so incredibly excited. You began to prepare the nursery. You started to purchase clothes and toys. You chose a name.

This is exactly how I feel. A few exceptions.

I have never heard my baby's heartbeat. I have never had a sneak peak at his picture with an ultrasound. I know he's coming, but I have no idea when it will be. Nine months seems so very short...a dream. No, there is no time limit set on his arrival. It could be anything. He may not be tiny. He may be running already when I meet him. He is not safely tucked away inside of me, where I can take every precaution to be sure that nothing harmful comes in contact with him. No, I actually have no idea where he is. I cannot protect him or be sure that he is getting enough to eat. He could be sick or starving. I cannot shield him from pain--he's probably already experienced the excruciating pain of separation.

But I am his mom. And I love him.

Some days feel like this. In many ways, it's heartbreaking. In other ways, it's beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful and inexplicable how God could already knit this little boy's heart into mine. God is the Sovereign One who can take a little boy in need of a family and fold him into a mother's heart, long before we've even met. This is beautiful.

Again, I write these things to you not because it's essential that you understand how I'm feeling, or so that you feel guilty that your child only took nine months to get here, or because I want you to feel sorry for me...None of those things. I promised that I would share with you the ups and the downs of this journey-the joys and the heartaches. I don't want to paint adoption to be this glamorous thing. That wouldn't be true. I want you to see the journey for what it is...because perhaps you too will be coming down this road just behind me. I pray that be the case.

Inside My Heart: Part 1

It's always difficult to even begin to capture what's happening in one's heart. Each of us has unique circumstances that are hard to explain or communicate to another soul. Yet in many ways, we are the same. Sure, you may have never experienced the adoption process-the longing or impatience that goes along with it. But you know a heart that aches for something, you know the difficulty of waiting on God for His timing, you know the agonizing hurt of loss, you know the “belief” that your own plans are best, you know the difficulty of waiting for someone else to lead, you know what it's like to miss someone desperately, you know the pain of unmet desires. Each of us may be on our own faith walk-that is by no means exactly like another's-yet we have all experienced these emotions. We each have felt these things as we sought to see God's hand in our circumstances. 

Because of this commonality, I write to you what's going on in my heart. I know you can relate. I want to share the low points of my raw emotions, as well as the truths of the Word that have been a salve to my spirit. I pray that whether you are reading this through the lens of adoption specifically or not, you can apply the truths to your own heart. 

Early on in this process, I decided that I would attempt to be wide open about our adoption process. I didn't begin this blog, documenting our process, so that you could necessarily understand me. I don't write because your understanding is essential to my existence. Or because the only way for me to be loved and supported by you is if you understand what I am thinking. We all have experienced the fault in that reasoning. Your ability to love me is not based on if you understand exactly what I’m going through. My ability to live life and obey God is not based on if I feel loved or understood. 

God has given us many clear commands in Scripture:

"Be holy, for I am holy."

"Sin not, don't let the sun go down on your anger."

"Love God. Love others."

"Husbands, love your wives. Wives, submit to your husbands."

"Judge not."

"Love others as you would love yourself."

And the list goes on. We know these commands. We seek to obey these commands...most of the time. But sometimes, we allow ourselves to believe that we've found a loophole. Generally, we give ourselves these "loopholes" because of someone else's actions. We find ourselves believing that because so-and-so (husband, wife, friend, child) isn’t obeying God in our relationship like they’re supposed to, then we don’t have to do our part either. You know, my husband doesn’t love me like I want him to, so I don’t have to respect and honor him like I’m called to do. Or my children are not obeying me (even though I was sure to teach them Ephesians 6:1), so I do not have to be patient with them. Or this other lady (who I thought was my friend) is gossiping about me, so I no longer have to love her as Christ loves her. 

See what I mean?

Often, we deceive ourselves into thinking that we only have to obey God in our lives if the others around us are meeting our “needs” (actually, desires). We allow the world’s psychology to subtly sneak in to our thinking: I can’t honor my husband because he won’t ____ (you fill in the blank.) I can’t love that person after what they did to me. We justify our disobedience by their disobedience. 

Christian friend, that is not how this life is supposed to work. That’s a broken system. Not what God called us to.

I am expected to obey God independently of other people's responses or understanding of me. We all are.

This first post in this series is more of a foundation. I felt like I needed to explain this before I moved on to share my own emotions. I would never want any of you to get the wrong impression about my purposes for writing. I can still "feel loved" by you even if you do not know anything about adoption. So please do not misunderstand my post. 

We can encourage one another regardless of if we understand exactly what the other is going through. 

My main reason for being this open in regards to our adoption is simple: I want other people to consider adoption. You are probably reading this either because you are intrigued by adoption or maybe just because you know and love me. Either way, I want to pull back the mysterious cover from adoption. I want to dispel the common doubts-you know the ones. You've heard them before, or perhaps you've even thought them yourself. 

     -Adoption is only for people who cannot otherwise naturally have children.

     -Adoption is really expensive, so it must only be for "rich" families.

     -Orphaned children are better off on their own anyways, staying in their native countries.

     -The command in the Bible that tells all Christians to care for orphans isn't really talking about me.

    -There's so much corruption in the international adoption world, we should just stay away. After all, I don't want to have any part in unethical means. So I'll just do nothing.

    -I don’t think I could ever really love a child that’s not my own blood. 

I want to use the truth to help you rid your mind of some of these untruths. I want you to make your decision as to whether or not you should adopt based on this question: Is God directing our family to adopt or not?

After all, that is how we, as Christians, claim to make all our decisions, right? So let's be realistic and truthful about our thinking. Let's allow God to direct us to accomplish whatever He calls us to. 

That all being said, I intend to paint a picture of the adoption journey that is realistic. It won't do any of us any good if I make it sound like a bed of roses. That wouldn't be true either.

So here I share what's going on in my heart from day to day during this waiting journey. Raw. Realistic. True. 

The Wait.

Many of you have been faithfully asking, "What's next? How's the adoption going? Have you heard any news recently?" Wow, am I thankful for your support and care about our adoption! I wanted to take a few minutes to fill you in.

I so wish that I could answer the above questions with new information! Unfortunately, we really have received no news recently. Trust me, when we hear anything--the whole world will know it!! Right now, we are in the waiting stage (but who am I kidding, this whole thing is a giant waiting stage-one right after the next). 

We submitted all of our important paperwork (dossier) and shipped it off to Ethiopia months ago. We are actually at the time length right now where our agency originally estimated that we would receive a referral (matched with a child). However, that was before there was a big change made to the adoption program in Ethiopia. We are still not really sure how long these changes will delay us, nor how long they will take to actually implement into the program. 

That being said, we recently spoke with our adoption coordinator from our agency to ask about our timeline for a referral. She told us that we would likely receive a referral within the next month or two. We are hopeful. However, we have to totally recognize that her estimate is just that...an estimate. There really is no way for her to be able to completely predict how soon things will be able to happen or if there will be anymore changes to the program or if things will remain stable in that part of the world. We are thankful for her optimistic timeline; however, the reality is that we still really don't know when we will be matched with our little boy. 

Some of you have been asking how the "matching" process works. After all, aren't there millions of orphans already waiting in Ethiopia--what's the big hold up? Welcome to the frustration of the adoption world red tape!

We have signed on with a specific adoption agency (which is how most people adopt). Our adoption agency actually works with three different orphanages within the country of Ethiopia. Our agency has worked hard to develop these relationships with those orphanages as well as to maintain ethical protocol in regards to the children and their adoption. In fact, just last week, our adoption coordinator and a few others from our agency were in Ethiopia visiting these orphanages. Ooohhh--their pictures are glorious!! Anyways, back to how this works. So-as children come into these three orphanages and are in need of families to adopt them, our agency is busy doing their homework (checking on the children's backgrounds, personal stories, etc.). Then they match the children in the orphanage with the families from their agency. 

You see, it's not really like there is a giant pool of all the orphans in Ethiopia, and we just pick one. The process is much more careful and difficult than that. In some ways this is good, as it keeps order and helps avoid cases of unethical child trafficking or adoption of children who are not really orphans. In other ways, this is unfortunate, as it obviously slows down the process...leaving children in orphanages without families for much longer amounts of time. 

So right now, we are waiting. Waiting for more children in need to come into those orphanages... waiting for one little boy in particular to be in need of us. 

A few things factor into this referral decision: 

1) We have specified that we would like to adopt a little boy, anywhere under the age of two. So, we may instantly have a toddler, running through our house. Or we may have an infant and all that goes along with that. When it's our turn, and a child comes into the orphanage that fits those specifications, then we will be matched with him. 

2) There are a few other families ahead of us in line, waiting to be matched with their children. Some of them are waiting to adopt little girls, some little boys, some sibling groups, etc. Some of those families have specified that they would like a young infant, while others have specified that they would adopt a child up to the age of ____ (whatever they choose). Because of those specifics, we don't really have a "number" in line. It's impossible for our agency to really give out those numbers. For instance, if a two year old comes to the orphanage, we could be matched to him right away if those all in front of us are wanting to adopt an infant under one year old. The factors are not really cut and dry. That being said, we are getting close to the front of the line--but that doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot. 

3) Closed Courts. To my understanding, Ethiopia has closed down their court system for rainy season. This usually happens. But it can still slow down other parts of the process. 

So we wait. Wait until we are matched...Until the day when we will receive and e-mail with our little boy's picture and medial report. Sigh. Waiting.

Until then, we are trying to keep ourselves busy with normal life--which honestly is not difficult to do. Some days, the wait is harder on me than other days. It's difficult to explain what's going on in my heart through this process, maybe I'll take a moment soon to write about that...

I'm also working to get other big projects done around our house--the kind of labor intensive projects that are difficult to do when you have a child in the house. You know, deep cleaning, organizing the garage and the basement, sorting through clothes and weeding out belongings, painting the shutters...That kind of stuff. 

I have also been gathering some things for our little boy. I can't really do a whole lot with this, since I still don't really know if I will have a baby or a toddler. So, I am waiting to prepare his room, waiting to gather many clothes (below 24 mo. size), waiting to purchase "baby" supplies. I have gathered a few things--thanks to goodwill, target clearance and my wonderful sister (who has 16 month old twins). 

P.S. Aren't those little gray shoes I found just adorable! I can't wait to have a little boy to fill them. :)

So, since pictures make every blogpost more interesting...here are a few of those things I have been gathering!