Ours For A Moment

I have seen him before.

Each time our agency uploads pictures of the children from their orphanages, I scour through them wondering if one of these children will become apart of our family...if one of these precious boys will be my son.

After one of those photo uploads, I was once again looking through the pictures. The first time I saw his face, my breath was taken away. He was so tiny and so beautiful. My heart was instantly overtaken with grief for him. He couldn't have been more than a few weeks old. I called Dave over.

"How could anyone have ever given up this precious little boy?" I asked.

My heart was in agony as I imagined what circumstances must have led to his arrival at the orphanage. No matter what the option was, it was tragic.

Fast forward about one month.

Thursday morning, we received the long awaited phone call from our adoption agency. Our adoption coordinator asked us if we were ready to receive our referral. Were we ever!

We waited (not so patiently) for our agency to send us the e-mail with the pictures and medical report of our referral.

And there he was. Beautiful. Seemingly perfect in every way. Only three months old, he was incredibly small. His big brown eyes peered up at us brightly.

I was smitten. All of the love that we have been saving up for months and months and months was now placed on this sweet boy. He instantly found his spot in our hearts.

We began calling our family and friends, announcing his arrival. We were parents, for the first time. We had a son. We could not have been more excited.

Over and over, I would light up my iphone to gaze at the picture of his face. My son. The giddy smile could not be wiped off my sweet husband's face.

The following 36 hours were filled with every kind of emotion. These hours did not contain the events that we had supposed; rather, our great joy was soon turned to unimaginable sadness.

Before we could even register what was taking place, our referral had fallen through. He was no longer ours. Once again, we found ourselves childless. And this tiny, precious boy was once again without a family. How could anyone give up this precious little boy? How could I ever give him up in my heart?

I felt the incredible pain of adoption. I knew the loss of seeing and loving a child, yet not being able to keep him. What a sad, sad thing. I grieve with his birth mother, who also felt his loss. The reality of the tragedy of loss is a wicked thing.

Although I thought that I would be his mother, my role has changed. My part in his life is to care for him in a different way. Perhaps through prayer. Advocating. I pray that God will reveal this to us over time.

So, we wake up another day. As my thoughts race, I remind myself to think on truth. There are many, many things that I do not understand. There are many details that I do not know.

But this I know: God is good. God is sovereign over all. God cares for this precious boy even more than I already do. 

I replay these truths in my mind, because I can rest in this. In fact, this is my only constant. So through my pain and my tears, I rest in a Father who does all things well.


Note: While we do not feel the liberty to share the details of all that transpired, it is important to say that our agency did nothing wrong or unethical. We did not do anything wrong either. However, due to circumstances fully known only to God, we cannot adopt this child. We  greatly appreciate your understanding in not pressing us for details that we are unable to give.