My God, Giver of Rest

Psalm 4
1    Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
4    Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. 
5    Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord. 
8    In peace, I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. 

My God, Giver of Rest
Lord, you have given me relief in my distress. Though my circumstances are uncertain. Though I still have no answers. Though we are not moving an inch. Though I do not know the end. You have caused my heart to rest. My heart rests in you.

To you, Lord, I offer the sacrifice of my heart. The sacrifice of my own will and desires. I offer them to you. Lord, do your work as you desire. Do your will as you see best.

God, I thank you for the sleep that you have provided these last few nights. Before, my heart was so anxious--my mind unable to stop. But you have delivered peace to my mind. You have given me rest. Under the shadow of your winds, though the storms continues to rage about me, I dwell in safety. Your safety.

For these things, I praise you.

My God of Justice

10 Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
    Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

2 In arrogance the wicked hotly pursue the poor;
    let them be caught in the schemes that they have devised.
3 For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul,
    and the one greedy for gain curses[a] and renounces the Lord.
4 In the pride of his face[b] the wicked does not seek him;[c]
    all his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
5 His ways prosper at all times;
    your judgments are on high, out of his sight;
    as for all his foes, he puffs at them.
6 He says in his heart, “I shall not be moved;
    throughout all generations I shall not meet adversity.”
7 His mouth is filled with cursing and deceit and oppression;
    under his tongue are mischief and iniquity.
8 He sits in ambush in the villages;
    in hiding places he murders the innocent.
His eyes stealthily watch for the helpless;
9     he lurks in ambush like a lion in his thicket;
he lurks that he may seize the poor;
    he seizes the poor when he draws him into his net.
10 The helpless are crushed, sink down,
    and fall by his might.
11 He says in his heart, “God has forgotten,
    he has hidden his face, he will never see it.”

12 Arise, O Lord; O God, lift up your hand;
    forget not the afflicted.
13 Why does the wicked renounce God
    and say in his heart, “You will not call to account”?
14 But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation,
    that you may take it into your hands;
to you the helpless commits himself;
    you have been the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evildoer;
    call his wickedness to account till you find none.

16 The Lord is king forever and ever;
    the nations perish from his land.
17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
    you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
18 to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
    so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

My God of Justice

God, I thank you for your perfect justice. You are not an unknown vigilante, recklessly carrying out your own kind of justice. You are King of the earth, with all the wisdom and power to carry out perfect justice. 

You have seen all. You have seen the wicked take advantage of the poor. You have seen them lie, choosing to reject your existence, while the evil ones laid traps for the helpless. And you have heard the cries of the helpless. You are the helper of the fatherless. 

You are King-the King of the earth, the King of Justice. You will win.

God, hear the desire of this afflicted heart. Strengthen this weak heart. Incline your ear to do justice on the behalf of Oliver and all of the other fatherless children, the families that are oppressed. Let the evil ones strike terror no more. 

God of Justice, I pray for your action in our situation. Act in accordance to your character. We beg for justice here. And Lord, we rest, knowing that you will bring justice. Whether in this age or the one to come. 

Two Weeks

It has been fourteen days since we first heard the news. In some ways, it feels like so much has happened since that dark day. In many ways, it feels as if we have not moved forward one inch.

The first week felt as if we were in a fog, wading through dark and heavy waters. We wanted to do something, to try to get more information--but it seemed as if all doors were locked, all lips shut tightly. We still didn't even know what exactly our agency had been charged with doing.

On the Thursday right after, a well known adoption lawyer met with all of the affected families via a conference call. She advised us toward what would likely happen. Although she certainly did not make any promises, contingent on Ethiopia's response to the circumstances and the proof that our individual children were proven to be orphans, it could be possible for the adoptions to be completed. But it would not be cheap. It would not be easy.

At the time, the conversation concluded that we would all likely need to either hire a lawyer to help us complete our adoptions or to hire another agency to assist us.

As we began to call around to other agencies, many of them treated us as if we had the plague. I went to the online adoptive parent support groups, and the responses there were similar. In these groups, I felt despised and looked down upon. Suddenly, all of these other adoptive parents, who had breathed no warnings or advice on our agency previously, claimed that any families foolish enough to be found in our position must have not cared at all about ethics. We all must have only cared for ourselves and "getting" a baby. We must have crawled out from under a rock. These words stung. We felt shunned by the very ones who were meant to support us in this adoption world.

Many of the adoption agencies do not want to touch any of us families with a ten foot pole. Many of them just flat out said they would not help. Others may help at a high cost. Most of them are experiencing their own set of problems. Again, we felt pushed away and cast off. Does no one care what happens to these children?

We did find a few agencies who, although still asking high payments, would agree to help us contingent on a positive OSV (orphan status verification). At least it could be an option.

To be honest, an OSV is at the top of our own list. We want to know the truth about Oliver. Whatever it is. I count my role in his life at this point to fight for justice for Oliver. If he has a birth family searching for him, I want to find them and deliver him to them. If he is truly an orphan, I want to give him a mother. I want to be his family. And I will fight for him. I will fight for the truth.

By Friday, the children had all been moved out of our agency's care center. No one seems to know exactly where they are. There are speculations. At this point, they still have not all been found. For two weeks now, I have no idea where my son is. To me, he is lost...somewhere in Ethiopia. We have people searching.

God, please help us find him. My stronghold of truth at this fearful prospect is that my God does know exactly where Oliver is. Father, lead us to him. 

The following Tuesday, we officially hired our investigator. By late evening, we prayerfully e-mailed our signed contract and wired the payment. So very scary. Praying desperately that we can trust them. Praying fervently that they will be able to discover the truth.

That same evening, God-in His sovereignty-had me preparing to teach on that week's lades Bible study topic--Trusting God When Life Hurts. The truth of the Word has been like a salve to my aching heart. It seems that every other day, we have received disheartening or devastating news related to this whole situation. These truths have been my sustenance. They have been my daily bread, nourishing me to be strong with my Father's strength. God is still good. 

With King David in Psalms, I cry, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." I battle to think on this truth.

Then Wednesday afternoon, my eyes laid on the full indictment, the details of the charges against our agency. Until now, my heart had been holding out hope that perhaps the charges would not be so very horrible. But now I read through them. I read of deceit and bribery, falsifying government documents, coercion, dirty government workers, wicked lies...

I felt dirty. Dirty that any part of myself could have been complicit in this. Filthy. Disgusted. Seethingly angry at the injustices. Because of some man's greed, these children may never be safely placed in a home, sheltered from further possibility of these wicked things. Because of these evil ones, my Oliver, who has already experienced the fear and loneliness of abandonment, was now abandoned yet again-torn from the new home (orphanage) that he'd grown accustomed to, from the nannies who fed and cared for him. Once again, afraid and isolated in a foreign place. My heart breaks for yet another great loss in his life. The fear he must be feeling.

------------------

The following morning, directly after hiring our investigator, we received an e-mail from them. They had already tracked down the man who found Oliver originally. From the first details, it was appearing that his story was checking out. The investigative agency told us that this is probably the fastest that they had every tracked down needed info to secure an OSV. Record speed. We knew why. We have had hundreds of warriors, bowing before the Father's throne, interceding on Oliver's behalf. We rejoiced at this shred of light in the midst of the darkness.

Almost a whole week has passed since that news. We have no new information. We still do not know where Oliver is. We had hoped that our conference call with the US Department of State on Monday morning would offer more direction, more information...Unfortunately, they had nothing new to say. No more information.

So we wait.

God is my strength. He is my Hope. He is my Shelter. 

God in My Darkness

As many of you have heard by now, this last week has been an incredibly difficult week for Dave and I. Last Tuesday, as I was finishing up nannying, and about thirty minutes before I was supposed to come teach Bible study, I received a terrifying e-mail about our adoption agency. On Friday, my grandfather unexpectedly passed away. 

I have debated as to whether or not I wanted to let you all see just how deeply I have been hurting—the breadth of my emotions. It would not be easy to share these details with you. It would certainly not be enjoyable for any of us. But, from the start I have promised to share both the highs and the lows of this journey. So today, I am going to take you on a bit of a roller coaster of emotions—the roller coaster that I have been riding this past week. Please, not so that you would feel bad for me, but so that we know how to pray for another when we are experiencing deep pain. So that we know how to walk through fire, holding the Almighty hand of our loving Father. So we know how to “truth ourself” when our mind is feeding us lies. 

So I am going to share with you the words from my journal. The words are raw, not all spiritual..but real. 

Written 2.12.14

Last night, as I was finishing up work, I received an e-mail from another adoptive parent. The email contained just about the worst news that an adoptive parent could ever receive. It contained a press release from the Department of Justice-stating that our agency’s director, along with three other agency staff members (some past and some present), had been arrested with charges of fraud. As I read the incredulous release, my heart stopped. I read it over and over again, scanning it for some shred of hope to hold onto-Praying desperately that this had nothing to do with us or our precious son. 

But there it was-plain and bold-indicted for fraud. 

Everything that we had spent months researching, to be sure that we were choosing an ethical agency, was seemingly proven false. 

I could barely hide my emotions as I waited to leave work. The Bible study that I was to lead that evening-there was no way I could teach. I couldn’t even speak. My loving David rearranged all of the details to relieve me of the evening’s duties. I handed over the key to the church and my lesson for the evening without words—only a long hug of sympathy and streaming tears. 

I drove home from work in the black evening. I felt lifeless, frozen with fear, completely unsure of anything. My fearful heart was darting in a hundred different directions, with a million different questions: What about my Oliver? Is his paperwork fraudulent? Is he truly an orphan or does he have another family out there-a birth family-possibly searching for him? Would he ever be mine? Would he ever be anyone’s? Would he disappear-forever lost behind the shroud of Ethiopian government and red tape? If he is not truly an orphan-I want the best for him, for him to be reunited with his birth family…But I already love him. He is my son-my only precious child, the already treasure of my heart. Could he be lost forever? I had already lost one son in this process—I simply could not bear losing another…Please God, Oh God, do not take Oliver. 

I arrived home and was met with the instant embrace of my husband—a long hold from the only other soul who ached as much as I. 

After what seemed an eternity, we were finally able to reach our adoption coordinator. The poor woman, as shocked as we, was forced to answers hundreds of e-mails and phone calls—to give answers when she really had none. 

She informed us that some of the employees arrested had been previously let go from our agency—for failure to follow proper protocol. Her assumption was that the director was arrested because of their actions, as he is in charge. She reiterated her strong confidence in the director. He had told her many times before that he welcomed any oversight or government to comb through the files—they were clean, in perfect order, he said. Of course, at this point, only time will tell…

When we asked her to explain worst case scenario, she described that our agency could close, all cases would be examined carefully, then taken over to be completed by another agency.

But we know…there is a scenario that is far worse than that. Oliver’s case could be found to be falsified. He may have a family or he may not. But he may never be ours. 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet testing of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind…

(End journal excerpt.)

Since that first night, we have been advised, along with the dozens of other families in our same boat, by an adoption lawyer to pursue a private investigation to ensure that Oliver’s story checks out…To be sure that he is truly an orphan. This Ethiopian investigator will travel to the village where Oliver was found and track down the man who found him and brought him into the police station. The investigator will question the man and use Oliver’s picture to search for any other information about his origins. If we can use that information to verify that Oliver is truly adoptable, then we will move forward with either hiring an Ethiopian lawyer or an adoption agency here to help us finish our adoption. The journey ahead of us is going to be long and difficult. We do not know what we will find. We do not know the end. 

Of course, we still have not even seen the full indictment that has been brought. We don't even know what exactly they have been charged with--it could be relatively small or it could be very, very bad. Nothing has been proven conclusively yet. Nothing has come out as sure truth. We wait. 

There are so many unknowns. So many questions. So many fears. So many doubts. But there is one thing I know: I know God. I know who He is. He is good. He is loving. He is sovereign-in control-over all things. He does all things well. He does not make mistakes. These things that I have learned about God in the light are still true in the darkness. 

This week, as my mind keeps trying to run wild with fear or anxiety, I have been battling hard to grasp on to the things I know to be true. God is in control. He knows the beginning from the end. This is what I know. This is the anchor for my soul. This is where I have to fight to keep my mind. I thank so many of you who have been praying for me, reaching out to me, sending messages of truth and encouragement to me. God is good. 

"Job trusted God on the day of testing because Job trusted God before the day of testing. God had already proven Himself trustworthy long before the test. The truth remains: Job may have been confused about the circumstances, but he was never confused about his God." Trust, Hope, Pray Priebe