God in My Darkness

As many of you have heard by now, this last week has been an incredibly difficult week for Dave and I. Last Tuesday, as I was finishing up nannying, and about thirty minutes before I was supposed to come teach Bible study, I received a terrifying e-mail about our adoption agency. On Friday, my grandfather unexpectedly passed away. 

I have debated as to whether or not I wanted to let you all see just how deeply I have been hurting—the breadth of my emotions. It would not be easy to share these details with you. It would certainly not be enjoyable for any of us. But, from the start I have promised to share both the highs and the lows of this journey. So today, I am going to take you on a bit of a roller coaster of emotions—the roller coaster that I have been riding this past week. Please, not so that you would feel bad for me, but so that we know how to pray for another when we are experiencing deep pain. So that we know how to walk through fire, holding the Almighty hand of our loving Father. So we know how to “truth ourself” when our mind is feeding us lies. 

So I am going to share with you the words from my journal. The words are raw, not all spiritual..but real. 

Written 2.12.14

Last night, as I was finishing up work, I received an e-mail from another adoptive parent. The email contained just about the worst news that an adoptive parent could ever receive. It contained a press release from the Department of Justice-stating that our agency’s director, along with three other agency staff members (some past and some present), had been arrested with charges of fraud. As I read the incredulous release, my heart stopped. I read it over and over again, scanning it for some shred of hope to hold onto-Praying desperately that this had nothing to do with us or our precious son. 

But there it was-plain and bold-indicted for fraud. 

Everything that we had spent months researching, to be sure that we were choosing an ethical agency, was seemingly proven false. 

I could barely hide my emotions as I waited to leave work. The Bible study that I was to lead that evening-there was no way I could teach. I couldn’t even speak. My loving David rearranged all of the details to relieve me of the evening’s duties. I handed over the key to the church and my lesson for the evening without words—only a long hug of sympathy and streaming tears. 

I drove home from work in the black evening. I felt lifeless, frozen with fear, completely unsure of anything. My fearful heart was darting in a hundred different directions, with a million different questions: What about my Oliver? Is his paperwork fraudulent? Is he truly an orphan or does he have another family out there-a birth family-possibly searching for him? Would he ever be mine? Would he ever be anyone’s? Would he disappear-forever lost behind the shroud of Ethiopian government and red tape? If he is not truly an orphan-I want the best for him, for him to be reunited with his birth family…But I already love him. He is my son-my only precious child, the already treasure of my heart. Could he be lost forever? I had already lost one son in this process—I simply could not bear losing another…Please God, Oh God, do not take Oliver. 

I arrived home and was met with the instant embrace of my husband—a long hold from the only other soul who ached as much as I. 

After what seemed an eternity, we were finally able to reach our adoption coordinator. The poor woman, as shocked as we, was forced to answers hundreds of e-mails and phone calls—to give answers when she really had none. 

She informed us that some of the employees arrested had been previously let go from our agency—for failure to follow proper protocol. Her assumption was that the director was arrested because of their actions, as he is in charge. She reiterated her strong confidence in the director. He had told her many times before that he welcomed any oversight or government to comb through the files—they were clean, in perfect order, he said. Of course, at this point, only time will tell…

When we asked her to explain worst case scenario, she described that our agency could close, all cases would be examined carefully, then taken over to be completed by another agency.

But we know…there is a scenario that is far worse than that. Oliver’s case could be found to be falsified. He may have a family or he may not. But he may never be ours. 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet testing of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind…

(End journal excerpt.)

Since that first night, we have been advised, along with the dozens of other families in our same boat, by an adoption lawyer to pursue a private investigation to ensure that Oliver’s story checks out…To be sure that he is truly an orphan. This Ethiopian investigator will travel to the village where Oliver was found and track down the man who found him and brought him into the police station. The investigator will question the man and use Oliver’s picture to search for any other information about his origins. If we can use that information to verify that Oliver is truly adoptable, then we will move forward with either hiring an Ethiopian lawyer or an adoption agency here to help us finish our adoption. The journey ahead of us is going to be long and difficult. We do not know what we will find. We do not know the end. 

Of course, we still have not even seen the full indictment that has been brought. We don't even know what exactly they have been charged with--it could be relatively small or it could be very, very bad. Nothing has been proven conclusively yet. Nothing has come out as sure truth. We wait. 

There are so many unknowns. So many questions. So many fears. So many doubts. But there is one thing I know: I know God. I know who He is. He is good. He is loving. He is sovereign-in control-over all things. He does all things well. He does not make mistakes. These things that I have learned about God in the light are still true in the darkness. 

This week, as my mind keeps trying to run wild with fear or anxiety, I have been battling hard to grasp on to the things I know to be true. God is in control. He knows the beginning from the end. This is what I know. This is the anchor for my soul. This is where I have to fight to keep my mind. I thank so many of you who have been praying for me, reaching out to me, sending messages of truth and encouragement to me. God is good. 

"Job trusted God on the day of testing because Job trusted God before the day of testing. God had already proven Himself trustworthy long before the test. The truth remains: Job may have been confused about the circumstances, but he was never confused about his God." Trust, Hope, Pray Priebe