Waiting to Decide

When we first began this process, I would scour the internet, searching for any and every blog that detailed another family's adoption story. How sweet and precious each of these stories is.

Anyways, one of the first things that I would look for on these adoption story blogs was a timeline. I wanted to know how long it takes to get from start to finish. I would often notice a big gap in time between Step 1: We've decided to adopt and Step 2: We've chosen an agency. I thought these people were crazy! I mean, we will already be waiting and waiting for a referral (a child that is chosen for us by our agency), won't we? How about we speed up that gap between steps 1 and 2! Let's just choose and agency and get crackin!

But now, we find ourselves between steps 1 and 2. Why oh why?! I thought my speedy plan was a good one...How did we get stalled here? The truth is, I am learning that adoption is a game of waiting. We are waiting on God-on His timing and direction. We have done all the research-hours and hours and hours! And now, we wait for God's direction in these ways:

Which route do we go?
1) Sign up with an "all-inclusive" agency and let them guide us every step of the way. 
This means that we give them a big lump sum up front and they will basically get the ball rolling. They will begin our home study process. They will help us with the paper chase. They will get our dossier to Africa. They will put us on a waiting list, and we will slowly work our way down to our turn. One day, after much more waiting, they will contact us with a referral. Then they will guide us through the country process (usually two trips to Africa) over many more months until we finally bring our child home.

2) We could scan the photo lists of "waiting children."
These are children who are older (which sometimes means, over the age of 2) or they may have special needs. We could look through all the pictures until one jumps out at us. Then we are "trapped" with whatever adoption agency already has claims on that child. This route can be a great option because you are adopting children that are "hard to place" with a family.

I personally, am just having a very hard time looking through all of these photos of waiting children. How can I bypass one? What criteria can I even use? This one's too old. This one has too many health problems. This one isn't really that cute...he's not even smiling. This one has too many siblings-we can't take them all.

I feel like I'm playing God. How can I say 'no' to a child on the basis of any of the above (seemingly shallow) criteria? I just want to take them all! I want to give them all a home...a family. But I cannot. I am not sure if I can handle this route of pictures.

3) We could go through an independent person, already in Africa--like our missionary contact. 
This is also a possibility. It could be much easier or much harder. We don't really have a precedent to go on. We would be personally responsible for much more of the process--to make sure we do everything exactly right. This makes me a little nervous.

Finances
Oh yes. And then, of course, there is the financial barrier. We are confident that God will provide, yet we don't know what that will look like or when that will happen. :) We wait.