Closed Doors

Last week was a bit discouraging. It really was a week of closed doors. My last post was a description of all of the options that I thought we had for moving forward with our adoption. God has closed each of our "viable" options at this point, so we are back to the drawing board. Researching, googling and phone calling references.

Behind Door Number One:

Dave and I had decided to move forward with a particular large agency. We excitedly wrote our agency with a few more questions regarding their ability to work with our Ethiopian missionary contact as well as the possibility of pursuing their Uganda pilot program (which has been moving very quickly). I was not expecting the response back that we received from them.

First, the agency told us that they would not be willing to work with our missionary contact. They gave us a variety of reasons as to why this was their decision--some of the reasons seemed legitimate and some of them seemed like they just didn't want to take the time to look into this possibility.

Second, the agency told us that the pilot program had no more current openings, but that we were welcome to sign up on their waiting list for this program. Perhaps you have noticed by now that waiting  is not my strong point...I read this option as the following: After months of waiting to decide which adoption route to pursue, we could sign up on their waiting list, to wait to even get into the program. Once in this program, you wait through your home study, wait through your dossier compilation and submission, get your name put on the waiting list in the African country, wait for a referral, wait for your court date, VISIT, go home, and wait to go back again to pick up your child.

And, Door Number Two:

Door number two is research. It is not an answer or a clear cut decision as to what we should do. Needless to say, we're back to researching agencies. It really is a tricky business trying to decide which route to take. There are many different schools of thought that go into choosing an agency:

• Some prefer to go with a big box agency who will take care of everything for you (in the meantime, they are managing hundreds of other families as well-hopefully, they have my best interest in mind). It just might be, that in these places, it is the agency's long line (rather than the country's line) that's keeping me from holding my sweet child in my arms. 
• Others prefer to choose a smaller agency, who may not have all the bells and whistles, but they will give you their full attention. You will not doubt that they are working hard right alongside you, but it may not be the most streamlined expedition. 
• Still others, the bravest (or maybe the craziest) among us, choose to do everything independently. I am almost positive that we're not cut out for this option. 

The Keeper of the Doors:

After this week's discouraging news, I really was having a hard time. I had been so excited that we were beginning to move forward with an agency, only for that door to be slammed shut. I found myself weary of researching and making decisions. Of course, turning back was really not an option in my mind. After all, this is a child's life we're talking about. I can't grow weary and decide that I'm not going to obey God in his leading us to adoption. What a tragic choice that would be. No, it wasn't discouragement to the point of quitting, more discouragement to the point of not being willing to move forward just now. Perhaps you've been there with your own life decisions...You know, when in your mind, you're to this point: emotionally stubborn, arms crossed, somber look, wondering why God isn't solving my problem the way that I think He should...Yes, this is where I was--stubborn, old me.

My anxious thoughts raced, "Why aren't you showing us the path that you want us to take, Lord?" 

As I verbalized my doubting heart to my sweet husband, he gently responded, "Emiley, don't you see that God is directing us. He's directing us by closing the doors that he has not chosen for us. Aren't you so glad that He's apart of this process, keeping us from making the wrong decisions? He is directing us right to where He wants us."

And here it was again-that subtle mind change that makes all the difference in the world. Rather than choosing to believe the lies of the devil (God should solve this problem the way I think he should in the time frame that I think is best); I needed to believe the truth of God (My perfect, loving Father has everything planned out for me in the way that he knows is best. In his perfect timing and wisdom, he is leading me in the way that he has chosen for me).

Isn't that just the Christian life? Transforming our minds, through the truth of God's Word and the power of His might, so that God can glorify himself by accomplishing much through us. Yes! God is the Keeper of the doors before me. In his time, he will show us which door is right. In the meantime, he is graciously keeping us from straying from His path, gently prodding us by closing doors and redirecting. Through that last week of emotional roller coasters, God has shown me more of his character. Thankful for his gentle guidance.