Letters to My Boy: This My Song Through Endless Ages

My Son,
This journey to you has left me feeling like a well-worn soldier, battle-scarred and weary; yet, not without worthy cause. However, as I look back through this last year, the journey has been absolutely beautiful. Sure, it is covered in tears and heartache. Many days have been dark and fearful. But God, He has been glorious. I have seen more than just His fingerprints on your story--His strong hand has led us all the way.

Many people have listened to your story and stood back in awe. They look at us in an almost dumb-founded sort of way. They tell us that we are so strong...that they would never be able to go through this. To many, it doesn't make sense. It is because they are looking at this story through the wrong lens. They are looking at us and wondering how on earth we could be standing here today. Rather, if they looked at the True Author of your story, the reason for us still standing here today would be clear. Oliver, our only hope is God. His mighty power is surely enough to sustain! All the way, He has led us.

Let me explain what I mean. Early on in this process, we started with the paper chase, a mountain of errands and paperwork on the US side. It was crazy! Our kitchen table was often covered with files and documents that needed signatures and stamps. It seemed hard...then. Little did I know, that was the easy part. ;)

One day, when we thought we were ready to send in our dossier, we found out that we actually had to redo a background check at our local police station. For some reason, the station was closed in the middle of the day when we got there. When they did reopen, they refused to do the paperwork for us, claiming that we had to go to a particular other station (I wrote all about it here on May 6.) After months of paperwork, and now being ready to submit our dossier that day--I was exhausted. We went out to the car and I literally broke down in tears at this road block. I was so disappointed that our timing to you would be delayed another few days to a week! That was really the beginning of God showing us that your whole adoption would be done on His timeline.

The other day, Daddy and I were driving in our beloved Lake Country, our home community. We drove past that police station, where I had broken down in tears over a year ago. As we drove, I laughed at myself. What a tiny, little roadblock that had been--and yet it seemed so big at the time. In the midst of my chuckle, I caught my breath. It suddenly hit me. God was starting to prepare us for what was to come.

The tears came back as we passed the police station. In my mind, I started tracing God's hand through our circumstances.

After the paper chase and submitting our dossier, we began our wait with a fundraiser. We needed a significant amount of finances in order to accept your referral. God provided every penny, and then some! We were privileged to do a Both Hands Fundraiser. We were surrounded by friends, old and new, and together we served a widow while simultaneously raising funds for our adoption. Amazing, front row seat seeing God working and providing for us to bring you home!

I then remembered that our wait to be matched with you was almost twice as long as our agency had guessed. Hard at the time, but God was preparing us, teaching us patience. That summer, we learned that the US would be implementing a process (PAIR process) that could double our wait time after we were matched with you. Already, the wait seemed like it would be forever.

At the end of the summer, we did another fundraiser that helped us make a dent in our expected travel fees. The Home Run was the first annual race that we intend to do every year to raise money for adoptive families. God provided greatly!

The day that we were finally given a referral was a joyous one--but less than 48 hours later, our first referral fell through. I was crushed. I had never felt more pain in my life than at that first loss. The days after that were long and so very dark--but God was there, sustaining us. He was teaching us that He is enough. His grace is sufficient to strengthen us and sustain us.

By this point in our drive and my memories, my tears were flowing freely. Your daddy noticed I was crying, and I started to share with him what God was teaching me at that moment.

I continued to trace God's hand. In December, we were matched with you. I was excited and terrified at the same time. So fearful that you would be snatched out of my hands, just like the little boy before you. But God calmed my anxious heart. He taught me to trust His guidance. He had allowed us to feel the pain of the previous loss, and He would sustain us if it happened again. We also learned that it would likely be 7 months before we would even get to meet you (instead of the quoted 3-4 months). That timeline seemed like an eternity.

By the end of January, the promised preliminary PAIR documents were still nowhere to be found. Week after week passed. Still nothing. God was teaching me to trust His timing. My patience was growing.

On February 12, the world seemed to stop. That was the day that we got news that our agency's director had been arrested and charged. Oliver, I felt devastated. We didn't even know for sure if you were actually an orphan. We had two investigations done to ensure your story checked out. We rejoiced that we were not apart of anything that would hurt you further. But still, we did not know if we could move forward. We did not know if Ethiopia would allow us to adopt you. Yet, God sustained us.

In March, we were gifted a trip to Florida-where we got to meet up with Tiago's mommy and daddy (Clarisa and Jorge Polanco). Together, the four of us nervously listened in to the conference call that explained the fragile details of our circumstances. Really, we did not know what would happen. God gave us that encouraging friendship at just the time we needed it. He helped us to be still and wait on Him.

The weeks that followed were bumpy. Ethiopia still had not spoken officially regarding if they would even allow us to try to move forward. Finally, on April 1, Ethiopia gave that permission. However, it wouldn't be for another month until we would finally be able to officially sign on with our new agency.

Because of our old agency's corruption, we had lost all of our money and were required to start paying all of the fees over again. We still do not know where the finances will come from. But already, God has shown us that He can provide! Seemingly out of the blue, we were given an adoption grant toward your adoption. Now this grant would not even come close to paying the rest of our needs, but it was a reminder from God that He owns it all. He can take care of the finances.

By the beginning of May, we learned that you did not have any of your paperwork yet on the Ethiopian side. None of it had been gathered since the day of your referral. In fact, our old agency had matched you with us before you were even ready with your papers...This backed our timeline up to basically pre-referral. We learned that we were waiting on your adoption contract with your orphanage as well as the first needed MOWA approval. We also learned that the woman who signs that first MOWA approval is refusing to sign any documents...for months. This news was crushing. After waiting six months already since your referral to us, we were no closer to bringing you home. In fact, our new agency reminded us over and over and over again that we never should have been matched with you yet in the first place. That they would never match a child at this point because it could still take over a year just to get the next piece of paperwork. Devastating. But still, God walked beside us. He showed us His character. He upheld us.

Time continued to past and our new agency was unable to move you to their care or to get any updates as to how you were doing or even exactly where you were located. It soon became apparent that the orphanage director was refusing to work with our new agency. She was missing meetings, not answering voicemails, and finally threatening to give our children away to other agencies and families.

The government above the orphanage director has agreed to step in to help us, but over a month has passed without assistance. Time crawls by.

By this point, God was really stretching our understanding of His goodness. You see, Oliver, some people think that God will work everything out the way that we want it. They may try to trick themselves into thinking that because God is good, He will orchestrate our circumstances toward what seems best to us. In our circumstance, we could be tempted to believe that God could only be good and gracious if He brought you home to us. In others' circumstances, they may think that God could only be good and gracious if they're healed of the disease, if the finances work out, if they get what they desperately want, if they are protected from danger, or if they're delivered from the painful storm. That's just not the way God works. We are not in charge, telling God what is good and what He should do.

Through these dark months, we were slowly coming to the realization that you may never come home. God may not choose to show Himself strong in that particular way. God may choose to glorify Himself by demonstrating to us that He is sufficient. And God is still good--whether you come home to us or not. He is still sovereign, all-knowing and gracious.

God is always good because even though my heart hurts desperately, He is still holding me. He is still guiding me. He will never leave me or forsake me. God is gracious because even when I want to cry out in anger, He is lovingly teaching me to be still. To rest. To trust in His character. To trust that His character will do what is best for you and what is best for me. Because He is my Father, and He knows best. God can be trusted with the details of your life and my life. And never once have I ever walked alone--not yet, through this entire journey. Though the waves have beat against us, have threatened to overtake us, have tried to sweep us into the hopeless sea--our Rock has stood firm, unmoving, unshaking, steadfast.

Oliver, our God can be trusted. His character has been proven to me over and over again. When the days were joyous, He was good. When the months are dark, He is good. You can take that to the bank. The thread of God's goodness and the outline of His steady hand can be seen in the tears and in the joys. What He has taught me and worked into me through joy and tears is glorious. It is beautiful. And I am blessed to have learned it.

As I look back on these months and consider the commendations about our own strength--I can't help but laugh. Oh no, I am weak. I am so fragile. One or two questions are enough to draw tears from these eyes. But my God, He is strong. Do not look at me or Daddy and think that we are something wonderful--It is God. Look at Him. He is amazing! He is the One Who can take these two feeble creatures and sustain them through pain and fear. May this be my song through endless ages: that Jesus led us all the way. I pray that this will be your song through all ages: that Jesus led you all the way.

Love to you--my sweet boy,
Momma