Just over a year ago, we first laid eyes on the boy who would become (forever in our minds) our first son. This past year has been painstakingly long and difficult. Hope for his homecoming has come and gone, over and over again.
About a month and a half ago, our agency told us that they could no longer actively work on our case. Though we have done multiple investigations to prove his orphan status and adoptability and the Ethiopian government has given approval for his adoption--his orphanage director has still refused to obey her authorities. Tarik, the orphanage director of the Biftu orphanage system, has deliberately disobeyed the Ethiopian government. Hungry for power and revenge, she has literally hidden away each of the children from their adoptive families and from the government. From an American perspective, it is agonizing to see the Ethiopian authorities unable to actually carry out their own rulings. This is just not something we often see here, where there is infrastructure and proper chain of command. Every fiber of my being screams at the injustice and the inability to do anything to change this situation. One woman's anger is literally holding all of these children captive, hidden in the system--treating them more as pawns of currency rather than actual children in need of families. (Side note for those considering international adoption or in process: Ask your agency which orphanages they use and then research those orphanages. Ask how children are brought into the orphanage, what type of paperwork, investigations and protocol is in place. Stay informed. Rogue orphanage directors who operate outside of the terms of their own government cannot be trusted and should not be perpetuated. If considering Ethiopian adoption, clearly stay far away from the Biftu orphanage system. I have much, much more that I could write about these ethics and the questions you must be asking as a potential adoptive parent--but I will not go there today.)
So it seems that we have come to the end of this journey with our little David Oliver. If somehow, the situation ever changes, our agency has said that they will make us aware.
Having had a few months to process this all, we still do not know what we will do next. Though I know this scenario is difficult to relate to or understand for most people, know that it is loss. We have lost our son. And for this we have been greatly grieving.
Many continue to ask what we will do next. Will we continue with international adoption? Domestic adoption? Natural-born children?
We do not know yet. We are asking for wisdom from the Father. We trust that He will direct us, opening and closing doors as He sees fit. Though we look forward to the possibility of being parents again some day, we do not just desperately want a child to replace the one we lost. He will never be replaced. He will always be our first. In the future, we will rejoice if the Lord would bless us with another child--but it would be just that, a different child, our second. Though I will not know the details of his life, I will pray for him as my own son.
I do not know what the Father is doing through this all--but I do know who the Father is. He is good. He is loving. He is sovereign. He is just. Through these many months, He has taken my shattered heart and held it closely. He has been my portion. He has sustained.
I know these details today are a smattering of information, bits and pieces, with nothing fully developed. I apologize if this leaves you with more questions than answers. I hope to continue to write and explain more on the side of what God is teaching me through this all in the days to come. But for now, these bits of information will suffice.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Just Run
Mid-July, I had a runner friend of mine challenge me to run my first half marathon. At first I just laughed at her suggestion--but somehow, the thought slowly worked its way into my thinking. By the end of the week, I decided I would begin training.
Now, just to clarify. I am not a runner. I don't especially enjoy it--it's more of a necessary evil that I do sometimes in the warm weather months...On a couple months, off a couple months. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Anyways, since July, I have slowly been coming to the realization that our adoption is not going anywhere...One person, half way across the world, is standing in the way and is making it impossible for us to move forward. She has been since Spring.
These training runs, often at least an hour or so, were very good for me. I filled my playlist with all of the songs that God has been using to encourage and challenge my heart throughout these last nine months. These runs were filled with tears, pleading with God to intervene and to bring my son home to me. They were filled with doubts, as I worked to reconcile in my mind the truth that God is good...yet my son might never be coming home. These runs were a pure hour to two hours of talking with God in my prayers, pouring out my heart to my Father, struggling through my emotions, worshiping Him in song.
The week of my half marathon, we received news from Ethiopia that led us to believe that we are at the end of our adoption road. Even though the Ethiopian government has given their permission for our adoption, we still have this one woman who is dead set against it....and the government over her will do nothing about it. There are, of course, more details than that--but I am not quite ready to put them all out there, in the open.
The reality is this: Unless this woman has a massive heart change, Oliver will never be ours. The proper authorities, who are in place to ensure things like this don't happen, just don't care enough to do something. And really, they are the only ones who could do anything.
That news hit me on Monday and my run was supposed to be Saturday. I was shaken. It was a struggle to even convince myself to get out of bed in the morning, much less run in a race. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing anything or even seeing anyone. I felt like curling up under my covers, waiting for sleep to come to dull my senses. This is not how I imagined things to turn out.
That week before, I had just begun to study a few different Scripture passages, in preparation for choosing one to use for our ladies small group Bible studies at our church. My mind fell on Hebrews 12. It starts like this,
1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.Then further down,
3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.
12 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.That entire week, this passage permeated my thinking. The passage is talking about the Christian life, as a race. The author is challenging the believers to persevere, even when difficulties come. Keep running your race, even when you can barely walk...maybe hardly even crawl.
That's exactly where I was...I could barely crawl, but I was still called to run my Christian race. These verses just kept running through my mind. I felt like hiding away...but I kept recalling, "Run with endurance the race set before you. Lift up the drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees...Run!"
So I ran my race that Saturday. It was slow and ugly, painful--full of tears at the week's news, at the realization that my boy is probably never coming home. But I ran. I finished.
Since that week, the news has not really changed. It's gotten a little worse, in fact. Dave and I are not sure what we're going to do next. In time, we may share more details. I just felt like I couldn't leave you all in the dark any longer. I don't know what the future holds.
But this one thing I know...I have got to keep running this race--God's not done with me yet.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Letters to My Boy: This My Song Through Endless Ages
My Son,
This journey to you has left me feeling like a well-worn soldier, battle-scarred and weary; yet, not without worthy cause. However, as I look back through this last year, the journey has been absolutely beautiful. Sure, it is covered in tears and heartache. Many days have been dark and fearful. But God, He has been glorious. I have seen more than just His fingerprints on your story--His strong hand has led us all the way.
Many people have listened to your story and stood back in awe. They look at us in an almost dumb-founded sort of way. They tell us that we are so strong...that they would never be able to go through this. To many, it doesn't make sense. It is because they are looking at this story through the wrong lens. They are looking at us and wondering how on earth we could be standing here today. Rather, if they looked at the True Author of your story, the reason for us still standing here today would be clear. Oliver, our only hope is God. His mighty power is surely enough to sustain! All the way, He has led us.
Let me explain what I mean. Early on in this process, we started with the paper chase, a mountain of errands and paperwork on the US side. It was crazy! Our kitchen table was often covered with files and documents that needed signatures and stamps. It seemed hard...then. Little did I know, that was the easy part. ;)
One day, when we thought we were ready to send in our dossier, we found out that we actually had to redo a background check at our local police station. For some reason, the station was closed in the middle of the day when we got there. When they did reopen, they refused to do the paperwork for us, claiming that we had to go to a particular other station (I wrote all about it here on May 6.) After months of paperwork, and now being ready to submit our dossier that day--I was exhausted. We went out to the car and I literally broke down in tears at this road block. I was so disappointed that our timing to you would be delayed another few days to a week! That was really the beginning of God showing us that your whole adoption would be done on His timeline.
The other day, Daddy and I were driving in our beloved Lake Country, our home community. We drove past that police station, where I had broken down in tears over a year ago. As we drove, I laughed at myself. What a tiny, little roadblock that had been--and yet it seemed so big at the time. In the midst of my chuckle, I caught my breath. It suddenly hit me. God was starting to prepare us for what was to come.
The tears came back as we passed the police station. In my mind, I started tracing God's hand through our circumstances.
After the paper chase and submitting our dossier, we began our wait with a fundraiser. We needed a significant amount of finances in order to accept your referral. God provided every penny, and then some! We were privileged to do a Both Hands Fundraiser. We were surrounded by friends, old and new, and together we served a widow while simultaneously raising funds for our adoption. Amazing, front row seat seeing God working and providing for us to bring you home!
I then remembered that our wait to be matched with you was almost twice as long as our agency had guessed. Hard at the time, but God was preparing us, teaching us patience. That summer, we learned that the US would be implementing a process (PAIR process) that could double our wait time after we were matched with you. Already, the wait seemed like it would be forever.
At the end of the summer, we did another fundraiser that helped us make a dent in our expected travel fees. The Home Run was the first annual race that we intend to do every year to raise money for adoptive families. God provided greatly!
The day that we were finally given a referral was a joyous one--but less than 48 hours later, our first referral fell through. I was crushed. I had never felt more pain in my life than at that first loss. The days after that were long and so very dark--but God was there, sustaining us. He was teaching us that He is enough. His grace is sufficient to strengthen us and sustain us.
By this point in our drive and my memories, my tears were flowing freely. Your daddy noticed I was crying, and I started to share with him what God was teaching me at that moment.
I continued to trace God's hand. In December, we were matched with you. I was excited and terrified at the same time. So fearful that you would be snatched out of my hands, just like the little boy before you. But God calmed my anxious heart. He taught me to trust His guidance. He had allowed us to feel the pain of the previous loss, and He would sustain us if it happened again. We also learned that it would likely be 7 months before we would even get to meet you (instead of the quoted 3-4 months). That timeline seemed like an eternity.
By the end of January, the promised preliminary PAIR documents were still nowhere to be found. Week after week passed. Still nothing. God was teaching me to trust His timing. My patience was growing.
On February 12, the world seemed to stop. That was the day that we got news that our agency's director had been arrested and charged. Oliver, I felt devastated. We didn't even know for sure if you were actually an orphan. We had two investigations done to ensure your story checked out. We rejoiced that we were not apart of anything that would hurt you further. But still, we did not know if we could move forward. We did not know if Ethiopia would allow us to adopt you. Yet, God sustained us.
In March, we were gifted a trip to Florida-where we got to meet up with Tiago's mommy and daddy (Clarisa and Jorge Polanco). Together, the four of us nervously listened in to the conference call that explained the fragile details of our circumstances. Really, we did not know what would happen. God gave us that encouraging friendship at just the time we needed it. He helped us to be still and wait on Him.
The weeks that followed were bumpy. Ethiopia still had not spoken officially regarding if they would even allow us to try to move forward. Finally, on April 1, Ethiopia gave that permission. However, it wouldn't be for another month until we would finally be able to officially sign on with our new agency.
Because of our old agency's corruption, we had lost all of our money and were required to start paying all of the fees over again. We still do not know where the finances will come from. But already, God has shown us that He can provide! Seemingly out of the blue, we were given an adoption grant toward your adoption. Now this grant would not even come close to paying the rest of our needs, but it was a reminder from God that He owns it all. He can take care of the finances.
By the beginning of May, we learned that you did not have any of your paperwork yet on the Ethiopian side. None of it had been gathered since the day of your referral. In fact, our old agency had matched you with us before you were even ready with your papers...This backed our timeline up to basically pre-referral. We learned that we were waiting on your adoption contract with your orphanage as well as the first needed MOWA approval. We also learned that the woman who signs that first MOWA approval is refusing to sign any documents...for months. This news was crushing. After waiting six months already since your referral to us, we were no closer to bringing you home. In fact, our new agency reminded us over and over and over again that we never should have been matched with you yet in the first place. That they would never match a child at this point because it could still take over a year just to get the next piece of paperwork. Devastating. But still, God walked beside us. He showed us His character. He upheld us.
Time continued to past and our new agency was unable to move you to their care or to get any updates as to how you were doing or even exactly where you were located. It soon became apparent that the orphanage director was refusing to work with our new agency. She was missing meetings, not answering voicemails, and finally threatening to give our children away to other agencies and families.
The government above the orphanage director has agreed to step in to help us, but over a month has passed without assistance. Time crawls by.
By this point, God was really stretching our understanding of His goodness. You see, Oliver, some people think that God will work everything out the way that we want it. They may try to trick themselves into thinking that because God is good, He will orchestrate our circumstances toward what seems best to us. In our circumstance, we could be tempted to believe that God could only be good and gracious if He brought you home to us. In others' circumstances, they may think that God could only be good and gracious if they're healed of the disease, if the finances work out, if they get what they desperately want, if they are protected from danger, or if they're delivered from the painful storm. That's just not the way God works. We are not in charge, telling God what is good and what He should do.
Through these dark months, we were slowly coming to the realization that you may never come home. God may not choose to show Himself strong in that particular way. God may choose to glorify Himself by demonstrating to us that He is sufficient. And God is still good--whether you come home to us or not. He is still sovereign, all-knowing and gracious.
God is always good because even though my heart hurts desperately, He is still holding me. He is still guiding me. He will never leave me or forsake me. God is gracious because even when I want to cry out in anger, He is lovingly teaching me to be still. To rest. To trust in His character. To trust that His character will do what is best for you and what is best for me. Because He is my Father, and He knows best. God can be trusted with the details of your life and my life. And never once have I ever walked alone--not yet, through this entire journey. Though the waves have beat against us, have threatened to overtake us, have tried to sweep us into the hopeless sea--our Rock has stood firm, unmoving, unshaking, steadfast.
Oliver, our God can be trusted. His character has been proven to me over and over again. When the days were joyous, He was good. When the months are dark, He is good. You can take that to the bank. The thread of God's goodness and the outline of His steady hand can be seen in the tears and in the joys. What He has taught me and worked into me through joy and tears is glorious. It is beautiful. And I am blessed to have learned it.
As I look back on these months and consider the commendations about our own strength--I can't help but laugh. Oh no, I am weak. I am so fragile. One or two questions are enough to draw tears from these eyes. But my God, He is strong. Do not look at me or Daddy and think that we are something wonderful--It is God. Look at Him. He is amazing! He is the One Who can take these two feeble creatures and sustain them through pain and fear. May this be my song through endless ages: that Jesus led us all the way. I pray that this will be your song through all ages: that Jesus led you all the way.
Love to you--my sweet boy,
Momma
This journey to you has left me feeling like a well-worn soldier, battle-scarred and weary; yet, not without worthy cause. However, as I look back through this last year, the journey has been absolutely beautiful. Sure, it is covered in tears and heartache. Many days have been dark and fearful. But God, He has been glorious. I have seen more than just His fingerprints on your story--His strong hand has led us all the way.
Many people have listened to your story and stood back in awe. They look at us in an almost dumb-founded sort of way. They tell us that we are so strong...that they would never be able to go through this. To many, it doesn't make sense. It is because they are looking at this story through the wrong lens. They are looking at us and wondering how on earth we could be standing here today. Rather, if they looked at the True Author of your story, the reason for us still standing here today would be clear. Oliver, our only hope is God. His mighty power is surely enough to sustain! All the way, He has led us.
Let me explain what I mean. Early on in this process, we started with the paper chase, a mountain of errands and paperwork on the US side. It was crazy! Our kitchen table was often covered with files and documents that needed signatures and stamps. It seemed hard...then. Little did I know, that was the easy part. ;)
One day, when we thought we were ready to send in our dossier, we found out that we actually had to redo a background check at our local police station. For some reason, the station was closed in the middle of the day when we got there. When they did reopen, they refused to do the paperwork for us, claiming that we had to go to a particular other station (I wrote all about it here on May 6.) After months of paperwork, and now being ready to submit our dossier that day--I was exhausted. We went out to the car and I literally broke down in tears at this road block. I was so disappointed that our timing to you would be delayed another few days to a week! That was really the beginning of God showing us that your whole adoption would be done on His timeline.
The other day, Daddy and I were driving in our beloved Lake Country, our home community. We drove past that police station, where I had broken down in tears over a year ago. As we drove, I laughed at myself. What a tiny, little roadblock that had been--and yet it seemed so big at the time. In the midst of my chuckle, I caught my breath. It suddenly hit me. God was starting to prepare us for what was to come.
The tears came back as we passed the police station. In my mind, I started tracing God's hand through our circumstances.
After the paper chase and submitting our dossier, we began our wait with a fundraiser. We needed a significant amount of finances in order to accept your referral. God provided every penny, and then some! We were privileged to do a Both Hands Fundraiser. We were surrounded by friends, old and new, and together we served a widow while simultaneously raising funds for our adoption. Amazing, front row seat seeing God working and providing for us to bring you home!
I then remembered that our wait to be matched with you was almost twice as long as our agency had guessed. Hard at the time, but God was preparing us, teaching us patience. That summer, we learned that the US would be implementing a process (PAIR process) that could double our wait time after we were matched with you. Already, the wait seemed like it would be forever.
At the end of the summer, we did another fundraiser that helped us make a dent in our expected travel fees. The Home Run was the first annual race that we intend to do every year to raise money for adoptive families. God provided greatly!
The day that we were finally given a referral was a joyous one--but less than 48 hours later, our first referral fell through. I was crushed. I had never felt more pain in my life than at that first loss. The days after that were long and so very dark--but God was there, sustaining us. He was teaching us that He is enough. His grace is sufficient to strengthen us and sustain us.
By this point in our drive and my memories, my tears were flowing freely. Your daddy noticed I was crying, and I started to share with him what God was teaching me at that moment.
I continued to trace God's hand. In December, we were matched with you. I was excited and terrified at the same time. So fearful that you would be snatched out of my hands, just like the little boy before you. But God calmed my anxious heart. He taught me to trust His guidance. He had allowed us to feel the pain of the previous loss, and He would sustain us if it happened again. We also learned that it would likely be 7 months before we would even get to meet you (instead of the quoted 3-4 months). That timeline seemed like an eternity.
By the end of January, the promised preliminary PAIR documents were still nowhere to be found. Week after week passed. Still nothing. God was teaching me to trust His timing. My patience was growing.
On February 12, the world seemed to stop. That was the day that we got news that our agency's director had been arrested and charged. Oliver, I felt devastated. We didn't even know for sure if you were actually an orphan. We had two investigations done to ensure your story checked out. We rejoiced that we were not apart of anything that would hurt you further. But still, we did not know if we could move forward. We did not know if Ethiopia would allow us to adopt you. Yet, God sustained us.
In March, we were gifted a trip to Florida-where we got to meet up with Tiago's mommy and daddy (Clarisa and Jorge Polanco). Together, the four of us nervously listened in to the conference call that explained the fragile details of our circumstances. Really, we did not know what would happen. God gave us that encouraging friendship at just the time we needed it. He helped us to be still and wait on Him.
The weeks that followed were bumpy. Ethiopia still had not spoken officially regarding if they would even allow us to try to move forward. Finally, on April 1, Ethiopia gave that permission. However, it wouldn't be for another month until we would finally be able to officially sign on with our new agency.
Because of our old agency's corruption, we had lost all of our money and were required to start paying all of the fees over again. We still do not know where the finances will come from. But already, God has shown us that He can provide! Seemingly out of the blue, we were given an adoption grant toward your adoption. Now this grant would not even come close to paying the rest of our needs, but it was a reminder from God that He owns it all. He can take care of the finances.
Time continued to past and our new agency was unable to move you to their care or to get any updates as to how you were doing or even exactly where you were located. It soon became apparent that the orphanage director was refusing to work with our new agency. She was missing meetings, not answering voicemails, and finally threatening to give our children away to other agencies and families.
The government above the orphanage director has agreed to step in to help us, but over a month has passed without assistance. Time crawls by.
By this point, God was really stretching our understanding of His goodness. You see, Oliver, some people think that God will work everything out the way that we want it. They may try to trick themselves into thinking that because God is good, He will orchestrate our circumstances toward what seems best to us. In our circumstance, we could be tempted to believe that God could only be good and gracious if He brought you home to us. In others' circumstances, they may think that God could only be good and gracious if they're healed of the disease, if the finances work out, if they get what they desperately want, if they are protected from danger, or if they're delivered from the painful storm. That's just not the way God works. We are not in charge, telling God what is good and what He should do.
Through these dark months, we were slowly coming to the realization that you may never come home. God may not choose to show Himself strong in that particular way. God may choose to glorify Himself by demonstrating to us that He is sufficient. And God is still good--whether you come home to us or not. He is still sovereign, all-knowing and gracious.
God is always good because even though my heart hurts desperately, He is still holding me. He is still guiding me. He will never leave me or forsake me. God is gracious because even when I want to cry out in anger, He is lovingly teaching me to be still. To rest. To trust in His character. To trust that His character will do what is best for you and what is best for me. Because He is my Father, and He knows best. God can be trusted with the details of your life and my life. And never once have I ever walked alone--not yet, through this entire journey. Though the waves have beat against us, have threatened to overtake us, have tried to sweep us into the hopeless sea--our Rock has stood firm, unmoving, unshaking, steadfast.
Oliver, our God can be trusted. His character has been proven to me over and over again. When the days were joyous, He was good. When the months are dark, He is good. You can take that to the bank. The thread of God's goodness and the outline of His steady hand can be seen in the tears and in the joys. What He has taught me and worked into me through joy and tears is glorious. It is beautiful. And I am blessed to have learned it.
As I look back on these months and consider the commendations about our own strength--I can't help but laugh. Oh no, I am weak. I am so fragile. One or two questions are enough to draw tears from these eyes. But my God, He is strong. Do not look at me or Daddy and think that we are something wonderful--It is God. Look at Him. He is amazing! He is the One Who can take these two feeble creatures and sustain them through pain and fear. May this be my song through endless ages: that Jesus led us all the way. I pray that this will be your song through all ages: that Jesus led you all the way.
Love to you--my sweet boy,
Momma
Monday, July 7, 2014
July 2014 Update
These days, my heart totters somewhere in between receiving a phone call that tells me that the orphanage director has given permission for us to continue forward with our adoption and receiving the news that the adoption has failed, no hope of moving forward. It's a hard place to be. Stuck between hope and fear that all is lost in our adoption.
Our agency has been working to enlist the help of the Ethiopian government to leverage their power to make the orphanage director comply. So far, the ET government has agreed to help--but it has been weeks and weeks since their consent--and still, they have not made her cooperate.
Just to give you some perspective...When we were matched with Oliver last December, we were told that we would be traveling by June at the latest and then he would be home by the end of the summer. Likely, we would be home with our boy for much of the summer. We were getting almost weekly pictures of our boy. I had planned to finish up my last few months of work in May, and I would be staying home for the summer with my Oliver.
Well, since the day of our referral--zero progress has been made in our case. Zero. We have not received any needed documents (in fact, he's still frozen at the first needed document--with the woman who's refusing to sign). We have not submitted those needed documents for PAIR. Not submitted to court. Nothing. He is not any closer to coming home today than he was 8 months ago (paper-wise). My 2.5 month old baby is coming up on his first birthday pretty soon. I haven't seen an updated picture or update since January.
So, here we are.
In some respects, I have started to dread blog updates--because they just sound so stinking sad. I know you all are praying and right here with us--I look forward to the day when maybe we will have wonderful news to share. But for now, here we are.
Many of you have asked if there is anything you can do. Trust me, I wish you could do something. I wish I could do something. :) We just simply wait and pray. There may come a time when we may need you to make phone calls and rally behind us. But we're not there yet. We have paused raising the rest of the needed finances, because we honestly don't know if we will even be moving forward at all.
Please wait and pray with us. We need an army of prayer warriors to intercede for our son, asking that he be kept safe and healthy. Pray with us that the ET government would be swift in their help--pray that this week they would force compliance. Pray that, as a result, Oliver would be allowed to be moved to our new agency's care center--out of his current orphanage. There, we would receive regular updates, and he would receive careful attention and medical care.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Our agency has been working to enlist the help of the Ethiopian government to leverage their power to make the orphanage director comply. So far, the ET government has agreed to help--but it has been weeks and weeks since their consent--and still, they have not made her cooperate.
Just to give you some perspective...When we were matched with Oliver last December, we were told that we would be traveling by June at the latest and then he would be home by the end of the summer. Likely, we would be home with our boy for much of the summer. We were getting almost weekly pictures of our boy. I had planned to finish up my last few months of work in May, and I would be staying home for the summer with my Oliver.
Well, since the day of our referral--zero progress has been made in our case. Zero. We have not received any needed documents (in fact, he's still frozen at the first needed document--with the woman who's refusing to sign). We have not submitted those needed documents for PAIR. Not submitted to court. Nothing. He is not any closer to coming home today than he was 8 months ago (paper-wise). My 2.5 month old baby is coming up on his first birthday pretty soon. I haven't seen an updated picture or update since January.
So, here we are.
In some respects, I have started to dread blog updates--because they just sound so stinking sad. I know you all are praying and right here with us--I look forward to the day when maybe we will have wonderful news to share. But for now, here we are.
Many of you have asked if there is anything you can do. Trust me, I wish you could do something. I wish I could do something. :) We just simply wait and pray. There may come a time when we may need you to make phone calls and rally behind us. But we're not there yet. We have paused raising the rest of the needed finances, because we honestly don't know if we will even be moving forward at all.
Please wait and pray with us. We need an army of prayer warriors to intercede for our son, asking that he be kept safe and healthy. Pray with us that the ET government would be swift in their help--pray that this week they would force compliance. Pray that, as a result, Oliver would be allowed to be moved to our new agency's care center--out of his current orphanage. There, we would receive regular updates, and he would receive careful attention and medical care.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Hope In God: For I Shall Again Praise Him
When we were first beginning this adoption process, I would read blog after blog, excitedly anticipating the days ahead--imagining what God was going to do in our family. Occasionally, I would come across a blog or a Facebook friend whose author was in the "depths of despair." From what they were saying and how they were reacting, it seemed like they had just snapped. They were furious with the system. They were ranting about injustice. Their emotions were filled with anger and discouragement. Though claiming to be Christians, their trust in God seemed to be cast aside. They seemed to have forgotten all about the fact that our God really is sovereignly ruling this universe. In fact, it had sounded like God had been sucked right out of their process. Now, it was just them against the system.
As a novice in this adoption chaos, before I even really knew the pain of waiting and unsurety, I made a decision that I would not let this process "break" me or my faith in God. Especially with this public platform of a blog, I never wanted my words or my responses to be a disparaging reflection of my God's character.
This wouldn't be because my faith was especially strong, it would be because my God is especially sustaining.
I knew these things to be true of God while I was walking in the light and things were easy and exciting. I wanted those same truths to sustain me, should this journey get hard and dark.
Well, here we are. This journey has gotten incredibly difficult and so very dark. I have not given many updates on this blog recently for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is because each new hurdle that arises takes weeks and weeks (or months) to jump or rather to even to have answers in how to move forward. The other reason is that some of these hurdles have been sensitive. I do not want to jeopardize our ability to move forward because I put too many details on the internet, thereby angering some government employee who holds the key to our process.
Our most recent hurdles have involved a government worker, who has refused to sign our son's documents for six months now--keeping us frozen in time, unable to move forward. One signature--we have been waiting on one signature for six months! They have involved orphanage directors, who have literally threatened to steal my son and to give him away to another agency and family. Sadly, there are people who would do this, just to make an extra buck. She would steal my son from my very arms, just because I can't do anything about it and she could make some extra money. These hurdles have been broken systems, which seem unable to enforce their own declarations. They have involved inability to get updates or to even verify my son's location and health. No pictures. Not a word for six months on if he is even alive and well.
We've been waiting for almost three weeks now for an authority to step in and make it impossible for my son to be stolen. While with each day that passes, he could be disappearing already, because our agency is not allowed to check on him and see him.
Spread throughout these roadblocks have been holidays off of work in both Ethiopia and the US. Internet outages. Phones are down. Key employees taking extended vacations. Refusals to show up to meetings or to answer communications.
These have been dark days. Psalm 42-43 have become my hiding place, a refuge from the painful reality that my son may never come home. I read:
Psalm 421 As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?3 My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”4 These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: How I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.6 My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.7 Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. 8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.9 I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” Let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!10 As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
Psalm 431 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me!2 For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?3 Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me;4 Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
I feel as if the author is writing about my own life. He writes of a longing and need for God's presence. I praise God because His very nature is ever present. As my days seem like I am always only a question or two away from tears, my nights awakened with sadness, I sometimes begin to wonder with my enemies--where is my God? I pour out my soul to my Father, remembering His goodness and faithfulness in the past days, reminding myself that He is still the same God. My soul is cast down and my emotions in turmoil...yet my thoughts must be redirected: "Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
Some days, I do feel forgotten. I do wonder if God is working. I must hope in what I know to be true about God. Let me praise him again, for He is my salvation and my God.
Those evil ones who are seeking to steal my son and stop our adoption, I plead to God for deliverance. I pray that His truth will lead me, to know which course of action to take.
Though my heart hurts and I struggle to see God's hand working, I must push through like the psalmist and remind myself: "Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
When these days were easier, I felt like I could shout from the mountaintops: "Hope in God; I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
More recently, this cry has become more of a whisper, reminding myself that I can hope in God...I will again praise Him. He is my only salvation. My God.
Whether my greatest joy is realized or whether my deepest fear comes true, this truth must be my mantra. God may graciously choose to bring my son home. God may sovereignly ordain that He will be praised more in sustaining us through loss. I pray that either way, I will say:
"Hope in God; for I shall yet again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
Friends, please pray with me that God's working would be known. Please pray that He would break hard hearts who are striving so diligently to tear our son from us. You can pray specifically about each of the hurdles mentioned above.
But beyond this, pray that God would be praised, whether my desires are met or not.
I thank you for your love and care. I thank you for your willingness to intercede before the Father in such a personal way for us.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Sisterhood of Strength
There have been many times throughout these last few months when, in my flesh, I have pleaded with God. I have wished that He would have chosen a different way for us--a way that didn't include having a son who may never be able to come home, who was caught in the midst of an agency's scandal, a way that wasn't so painful with no end in sight. Many times, my mind has battled, "If only...God would have done it a different way."
I sit here today, again not really knowing where my son is. Not really knowing what is being done to gather his needed clearances. Having a nursery upstairs, that is just about finished--yet I cannot bring myself to place the final piece of furniture into it, a crib. Wondering if this adoption will ever be completed. If my now eight month old son will ever be held within my arms or know the sound of my voice. If I will ever see another picture of his face or actually meet him in real life.
Many days have been dark and felt hopeless.
To be honest, I have never been in this place before. I have always been a carefree, go with the flow type of person. Whatever God wills, that is what will be done. But not now. Now I must battle in my mind each day to remember that God is good. God is sovereign. 150 Psalms have been my lifeline, reminding me Who God is. To lift myself up out of low hopelessness and to remember that God is at work--in so many ways. He is at work in my adoption yet, though it remains unseen. But beyond that, He is at work in this world, wielding the sword of the Gospel across hearts that so desperately need the surgery. Drawing lost ones to Himself, welcoming them into His own dear family. He is at work in our church, in the families, in the individuals--pulling them closer to Himself, shaping them to be more like Christ.
He is at work. I just need to look up and realize it.
As I have wrestled with the "what-if's" and the "if-only's," I have often stumbled upon a most gracious and beautiful treasure in the midst of my sadness. If I had never found myself in the midst of this dark place, abandoned by our agency and cast down in the international adoption world, I never would have opened this radiant gift.
You see, the week that our agency was indicted, each of us families found ourselves afraid and unsure of how to proceed. One sweet adoptive mother, started an email thread to a few others of us--reaching out in hopes of camaraderie and support. Each of us added to the thread one or two others from our previous agency, to whom we had grown particularly close. Carefully and cautiously, we began to share our hearts, our fears. Slowly, God knit our hearts together.
These dear ones function much like the workings of a clock. While one piece is high, another is low-yet each part urges the others forward. Allows them to continue to function. The moving of one piece pulls the next forward, almost by a gentle force, certainly by necessity. The workings of this clock may seem insignificant from moment to moment, yet their end result is stunning. Beautiful.
This group of women communicates daily. We advise each other on what to do next. We uphold one another when one receives bad news. Together, we have wept, though hundreds and thousands of miles separated us, as we've read each other's updates on our computer screens or iPhones. We pray for each other, bringing our precious little one's before the Father. We encourage with Scripture and music. While one is low, the others pull them up and encourage them to press on, trusting the heart of our Sovereign God.
Aside from my dear Clarisa, I have not met any of these women in person. Yet we are woven so tightly. I look forward to the day when we meet. Surely, we must.
We are all at different places in this adoption journey. In fact, some had lost their would-be children right at the beginning of this mess. She followed the investigation through to the end and battled to ensure the child was returned safely home to her birth family. All the while, as she grieved, she praised the name of the Father. Her example of strength and righteousness has stuck with me--and will always. Another had been expectantly waiting to receive her referral, only to find herself still without a child. Many have since been able to take steps forward, yet each have gotten "stuck" again as we wade through red tape and bureaucracy. A few of us are still in the position where we honestly do not know whether or not our adoptions will ever be able to be completed. There are missing pieces of the puzzle, that have yet to be played out. We rejoice with those who rejoice. We weep with those who weep. Some are mothers to children already in their arms, while others of us wait for our first child to come home. We all wait together to add these children to our families.
These ones have become something of a sisterhood, offering strength as I fearfully attempt to walk forward. I am certain that they love my son almost as much as I do. I often wonder at how God has brought each of these ones into my life. Their faith is strong and steady. They point me to Christ. They remind me of God's character. They are an extension of God's grace, reaching right into my daily life. I am humbled that they are my friends.
I thank God for them. And yes, with that, I must thank God for the circumstances in which I met them.
Here's to you--13 surrogate aunties to my Oliver--my radiant gift in this darkness.
I sit here today, again not really knowing where my son is. Not really knowing what is being done to gather his needed clearances. Having a nursery upstairs, that is just about finished--yet I cannot bring myself to place the final piece of furniture into it, a crib. Wondering if this adoption will ever be completed. If my now eight month old son will ever be held within my arms or know the sound of my voice. If I will ever see another picture of his face or actually meet him in real life.
Many days have been dark and felt hopeless.
To be honest, I have never been in this place before. I have always been a carefree, go with the flow type of person. Whatever God wills, that is what will be done. But not now. Now I must battle in my mind each day to remember that God is good. God is sovereign. 150 Psalms have been my lifeline, reminding me Who God is. To lift myself up out of low hopelessness and to remember that God is at work--in so many ways. He is at work in my adoption yet, though it remains unseen. But beyond that, He is at work in this world, wielding the sword of the Gospel across hearts that so desperately need the surgery. Drawing lost ones to Himself, welcoming them into His own dear family. He is at work in our church, in the families, in the individuals--pulling them closer to Himself, shaping them to be more like Christ.
He is at work. I just need to look up and realize it.
As I have wrestled with the "what-if's" and the "if-only's," I have often stumbled upon a most gracious and beautiful treasure in the midst of my sadness. If I had never found myself in the midst of this dark place, abandoned by our agency and cast down in the international adoption world, I never would have opened this radiant gift.
You see, the week that our agency was indicted, each of us families found ourselves afraid and unsure of how to proceed. One sweet adoptive mother, started an email thread to a few others of us--reaching out in hopes of camaraderie and support. Each of us added to the thread one or two others from our previous agency, to whom we had grown particularly close. Carefully and cautiously, we began to share our hearts, our fears. Slowly, God knit our hearts together.
These dear ones function much like the workings of a clock. While one piece is high, another is low-yet each part urges the others forward. Allows them to continue to function. The moving of one piece pulls the next forward, almost by a gentle force, certainly by necessity. The workings of this clock may seem insignificant from moment to moment, yet their end result is stunning. Beautiful.
This group of women communicates daily. We advise each other on what to do next. We uphold one another when one receives bad news. Together, we have wept, though hundreds and thousands of miles separated us, as we've read each other's updates on our computer screens or iPhones. We pray for each other, bringing our precious little one's before the Father. We encourage with Scripture and music. While one is low, the others pull them up and encourage them to press on, trusting the heart of our Sovereign God.
Aside from my dear Clarisa, I have not met any of these women in person. Yet we are woven so tightly. I look forward to the day when we meet. Surely, we must.
We are all at different places in this adoption journey. In fact, some had lost their would-be children right at the beginning of this mess. She followed the investigation through to the end and battled to ensure the child was returned safely home to her birth family. All the while, as she grieved, she praised the name of the Father. Her example of strength and righteousness has stuck with me--and will always. Another had been expectantly waiting to receive her referral, only to find herself still without a child. Many have since been able to take steps forward, yet each have gotten "stuck" again as we wade through red tape and bureaucracy. A few of us are still in the position where we honestly do not know whether or not our adoptions will ever be able to be completed. There are missing pieces of the puzzle, that have yet to be played out. We rejoice with those who rejoice. We weep with those who weep. Some are mothers to children already in their arms, while others of us wait for our first child to come home. We all wait together to add these children to our families.
These ones have become something of a sisterhood, offering strength as I fearfully attempt to walk forward. I am certain that they love my son almost as much as I do. I often wonder at how God has brought each of these ones into my life. Their faith is strong and steady. They point me to Christ. They remind me of God's character. They are an extension of God's grace, reaching right into my daily life. I am humbled that they are my friends.
I thank God for them. And yes, with that, I must thank God for the circumstances in which I met them.
Here's to you--13 surrogate aunties to my Oliver--my radiant gift in this darkness.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
In my last update, I told you that Ethiopia had chosen two agencies to work with all of us families who are stuck in this process. There were about 40 of us families all together. Ethiopia basically ended up splitting our cases in half and assigning us each to an agency. We are thankful to say that we are now moving forward with America World Adoption. They are an excellent agency with a stunning reputation.
It has taken both of the agencies some time to perform their own investigations (again assuring the orphan status of each child) and to get a good grasp of where each child's paperwork stands. At the end of last week and into this week, most of us were given updates about the paperwork status.
To be honest, because we were matched with Oliver all the way back in December, I had anticipated receiving the news that we were just a few documents short of being ready for the next step. From the time of referral, a number of documents are beginning to be gathered for the child to prepare them for international adoption. These documents include everything from clearances for international adoption from MOWCYA (Ethiopia's Ministry of Women, Children and Youth Affairs) to birth certificates, police reports, etc. When all of those necessary documents are gathered, then you are about ready to be submitted for the PAIR (Pre-Adoption Immigration Review) process and to be submitted to wait for a court date. It can take a number of months for US Immigration to be satisfied with all of your documents for PAIR. They often issue an RFE (Request for Evidence) to try to gain more sufficient proofs of the child's ability to come to America. Because the PAIR process is relatively new, it's not exactly streamlined. US Immigration does not always ask for the same documents. Really, anything is fair game. They can basically drag things out as long as they want to. Then, it also takes a number of months to be issued a court date for us to be able to come on our first trip to Ethiopia. In essence, more waiting.
Last Friday, our adoption coordinator with AWAA called us with our update. I took the call, hopefully expecting to hear that we were just about ready to be submitted for PAIR. However, as our coordinator began to speak, it became clear that we were in for yet another BIG holdup. She listed a couple of documents that had been gathered since December (really only a tiny handful of the needed documents). She then proceeded to tell me that we are missing something very important--the clearances for international adoption from MOWCYA. You must have these clearances in order to move forward. Basically, these clearances start at the local level and then work their way up to the national level. So you gain your first clearance from city, then court, then region and so on--when you pass one level, you move on up to the next. There are five levels all together. From our coordinator's understanding, Oliver does not have any of these clearances yet. Since December, his request for clearance has just been sitting on someone's desk in a remote area of Ethiopia. It generally takes some prompting before the document is signed and moved on to the next level...where it takes some more prompting.
She continued on to tell us that these clearances usually come through eventually, but there is really no way to know how long it will take to get them. It could take a month to get them or maybe even up to a year. Our case cannot move forward until we have those clearances. For this reason, many good agencies do not even refer children to families until these clearances are obtained. Nevertheless, here we are.
The other big issue at hand is Oliver's location. Right now, he is at an orphanage in a remote village--many hours outside of the city. We are completely unable to communicate with this orphanage. MOWCYA has given approval for him to be moved from that orphanage into our new agency's care center in Addis Ababa, the capital city. However, it is still somewhat up to that orphanage director if he will allow Oliver to be moved. Please pray with us that this orphanage director will be gracious in allowing the move. If he is able to be in the capital city, we could get regular updates on his health and development as well as pictures. We would also have the ability to send care packages to him. Having not heard anything about his health or seen any pictures since January, I am particularly anxious to see how he is doing. He was only 3 months old in January. Now he is about 7 months old. The months are slipping by, and we are no further on his adoption process today than we were on the day of his referral.
We were also given the fee schedule from our new agency. Before this all happened, God had graciously provided almost all of the funds needed to complete our adoption. We had actually paid out about half of them to our old agency. Now, the new agency requires just about the same fees. This week, we are required to pay them the first half. The rest of the payments will be spread throughout the months to come as we reach the next milestones.
My update today is really more like a list of prayer requests. The undetermined wait time makes this difficult. Please pray that God will move in hearts to dig out his paperwork from the stack and to sign his clearances (moving through all 5 levels). Please pray that Oliver will be allowed to move to the AWAA care center in Addis in a timely manner. Please pray that God will continue to provide the finances to bring our son safely home. We covet your prayers. Thank you.
Some of you have asked how you could give financially. We do not personally handle the finances. We have partnered with Lifesong for Orphans, and they care for all of our donations and personal adoption finances. They are able to offer tax deductible receipts. You are able to give to them online or via mail. You can find instructions on how to give on our "Joining Us" page.
It has taken both of the agencies some time to perform their own investigations (again assuring the orphan status of each child) and to get a good grasp of where each child's paperwork stands. At the end of last week and into this week, most of us were given updates about the paperwork status.
To be honest, because we were matched with Oliver all the way back in December, I had anticipated receiving the news that we were just a few documents short of being ready for the next step. From the time of referral, a number of documents are beginning to be gathered for the child to prepare them for international adoption. These documents include everything from clearances for international adoption from MOWCYA (Ethiopia's Ministry of Women, Children and Youth Affairs) to birth certificates, police reports, etc. When all of those necessary documents are gathered, then you are about ready to be submitted for the PAIR (Pre-Adoption Immigration Review) process and to be submitted to wait for a court date. It can take a number of months for US Immigration to be satisfied with all of your documents for PAIR. They often issue an RFE (Request for Evidence) to try to gain more sufficient proofs of the child's ability to come to America. Because the PAIR process is relatively new, it's not exactly streamlined. US Immigration does not always ask for the same documents. Really, anything is fair game. They can basically drag things out as long as they want to. Then, it also takes a number of months to be issued a court date for us to be able to come on our first trip to Ethiopia. In essence, more waiting.
Last Friday, our adoption coordinator with AWAA called us with our update. I took the call, hopefully expecting to hear that we were just about ready to be submitted for PAIR. However, as our coordinator began to speak, it became clear that we were in for yet another BIG holdup. She listed a couple of documents that had been gathered since December (really only a tiny handful of the needed documents). She then proceeded to tell me that we are missing something very important--the clearances for international adoption from MOWCYA. You must have these clearances in order to move forward. Basically, these clearances start at the local level and then work their way up to the national level. So you gain your first clearance from city, then court, then region and so on--when you pass one level, you move on up to the next. There are five levels all together. From our coordinator's understanding, Oliver does not have any of these clearances yet. Since December, his request for clearance has just been sitting on someone's desk in a remote area of Ethiopia. It generally takes some prompting before the document is signed and moved on to the next level...where it takes some more prompting.
She continued on to tell us that these clearances usually come through eventually, but there is really no way to know how long it will take to get them. It could take a month to get them or maybe even up to a year. Our case cannot move forward until we have those clearances. For this reason, many good agencies do not even refer children to families until these clearances are obtained. Nevertheless, here we are.
The other big issue at hand is Oliver's location. Right now, he is at an orphanage in a remote village--many hours outside of the city. We are completely unable to communicate with this orphanage. MOWCYA has given approval for him to be moved from that orphanage into our new agency's care center in Addis Ababa, the capital city. However, it is still somewhat up to that orphanage director if he will allow Oliver to be moved. Please pray with us that this orphanage director will be gracious in allowing the move. If he is able to be in the capital city, we could get regular updates on his health and development as well as pictures. We would also have the ability to send care packages to him. Having not heard anything about his health or seen any pictures since January, I am particularly anxious to see how he is doing. He was only 3 months old in January. Now he is about 7 months old. The months are slipping by, and we are no further on his adoption process today than we were on the day of his referral.
We were also given the fee schedule from our new agency. Before this all happened, God had graciously provided almost all of the funds needed to complete our adoption. We had actually paid out about half of them to our old agency. Now, the new agency requires just about the same fees. This week, we are required to pay them the first half. The rest of the payments will be spread throughout the months to come as we reach the next milestones.
My update today is really more like a list of prayer requests. The undetermined wait time makes this difficult. Please pray that God will move in hearts to dig out his paperwork from the stack and to sign his clearances (moving through all 5 levels). Please pray that Oliver will be allowed to move to the AWAA care center in Addis in a timely manner. Please pray that God will continue to provide the finances to bring our son safely home. We covet your prayers. Thank you.
Some of you have asked how you could give financially. We do not personally handle the finances. We have partnered with Lifesong for Orphans, and they care for all of our donations and personal adoption finances. They are able to offer tax deductible receipts. You are able to give to them online or via mail. You can find instructions on how to give on our "Joining Us" page.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Letters to My Boy
My dear boy,
You are just about six months old now. For four of those months, you have been known and loved in our hearts. For almost two of those months, we have not known whether or not you would ever be able to come home.
God has been doing much in my heart, teaching me more and more about Himself and our family. These past two months, I have been battling within my heart. Battling to truly let everything regarding your situation rest in the Father's hands. At times, my heart has feared. Other times, my heart rests and trusts.
Always, in the back of my mind, I knew that God may ask me to give you up--to tell me that you are never really coming home. Every time this realization came to my mind, I had to ask myself, "Would God really still be sufficient for me? Would God really be my portion?" I have battled to answer this question. I know that Scripture tells me that He is enough. So to this end, I have prayed. God, teach me to know that you are not just sufficient, but abundant.
Please do not think that every day, my answer to that question has been the same—spiritual and correct. No, some days have been deep and dark — begging God to do what I know is best. Ugly.
But son, even when our heart is hurting and we are struggling to think that God is good and that God is sufficient...We have to speak truth to ourselves. This truth is only found in God's Word.
So we must remind ourselves that the God that we knew in the light, when all was well, is the same God in the darkness.
He is love. He is truth. He is good. He is gracious. He is sovereign. He is all-knowing. He is beautiful. He is gracious. He is caring. He is tender. He is gentle. He is merciful. HE IS ENOUGH.
Son, remember this truth in your dark days. It is a hard lesson to learn, but it is so worth the reward. The reward of knowing that our Father is who He says He is.
The week we learned we may not be able to bring you home, God led me to read Psalm 42:
For many weeks now, we have been praying that the Ethiopian government would grant us favor and allow our case to move forward with another agency. My Son-God has seen fit to answer my prayers with a "Yes." This morning, we received the official word from the US State Department that Ethiopia has done just that. They have decreed that we may move forward with another agency. They have asked the US Embassy to gather a list of any agencies that are willing to work with us—Ethiopia will then review that list of agencies and choose a couple of them to work with us. God willing, by the end of next week, we will have signed on with another agency.
The road ahead is still long and difficult. There are many other problems and troubles concerning international adoption in Ethiopia right now. But—God has pointed us back in this direction. We will fight. We will work tirelessly to bring you home. You are ours. Precious in our sight.
Remember, God has not moved in this way because we had enough faith or because we prayed enough. No—God's working is not dependent on the amount of my faith...but rather, the Object of my faith, Himself. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. And in His wisdom, He has decided that this is best. Sometimes, things do not all work out according to our hopes and desires—and still, God is good and righteous. Still, we must rejoice in that.
But today, we rejoice that God has pushed us forward down this path to you. We're coming, buddy! Just hold tight.
Love,
Momma
You are just about six months old now. For four of those months, you have been known and loved in our hearts. For almost two of those months, we have not known whether or not you would ever be able to come home.
God has been doing much in my heart, teaching me more and more about Himself and our family. These past two months, I have been battling within my heart. Battling to truly let everything regarding your situation rest in the Father's hands. At times, my heart has feared. Other times, my heart rests and trusts.
Always, in the back of my mind, I knew that God may ask me to give you up--to tell me that you are never really coming home. Every time this realization came to my mind, I had to ask myself, "Would God really still be sufficient for me? Would God really be my portion?" I have battled to answer this question. I know that Scripture tells me that He is enough. So to this end, I have prayed. God, teach me to know that you are not just sufficient, but abundant.
Please do not think that every day, my answer to that question has been the same—spiritual and correct. No, some days have been deep and dark — begging God to do what I know is best. Ugly.
But son, even when our heart is hurting and we are struggling to think that God is good and that God is sufficient...We have to speak truth to ourselves. This truth is only found in God's Word.
So we must remind ourselves that the God that we knew in the light, when all was well, is the same God in the darkness.
He is love. He is truth. He is good. He is gracious. He is sovereign. He is all-knowing. He is beautiful. He is gracious. He is caring. He is tender. He is gentle. He is merciful. HE IS ENOUGH.
Son, remember this truth in your dark days. It is a hard lesson to learn, but it is so worth the reward. The reward of knowing that our Father is who He says He is.
The week we learned we may not be able to bring you home, God led me to read Psalm 42:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,This precious verse has come to mind over and over again in these two months. I have put my hope in God, vowing that I will still praise Him—no matter what He does.
And why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
My salvation, and my God. (Psalm 42)
For many weeks now, we have been praying that the Ethiopian government would grant us favor and allow our case to move forward with another agency. My Son-God has seen fit to answer my prayers with a "Yes." This morning, we received the official word from the US State Department that Ethiopia has done just that. They have decreed that we may move forward with another agency. They have asked the US Embassy to gather a list of any agencies that are willing to work with us—Ethiopia will then review that list of agencies and choose a couple of them to work with us. God willing, by the end of next week, we will have signed on with another agency.
The road ahead is still long and difficult. There are many other problems and troubles concerning international adoption in Ethiopia right now. But—God has pointed us back in this direction. We will fight. We will work tirelessly to bring you home. You are ours. Precious in our sight.
Remember, God has not moved in this way because we had enough faith or because we prayed enough. No—God's working is not dependent on the amount of my faith...but rather, the Object of my faith, Himself. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. And in His wisdom, He has decided that this is best. Sometimes, things do not all work out according to our hopes and desires—and still, God is good and righteous. Still, we must rejoice in that.
But today, we rejoice that God has pushed us forward down this path to you. We're coming, buddy! Just hold tight.
Love,
Momma
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Thanksgiving
God has gifted believers with a most precious gift...a spiritual family. When you become a Christian, you are adopted into God's family--never to be cast out, given an inheritance that is incorruptible and unfading.
Scripture is filled with admonitions of how we ought to live within this new spiritual family. How we ought to treat one another and interact together. How we ought to respond when someone hurts us or wrongs us. How we ought to uphold each other when one falls down or feels burdened with a heavy load.
As most of you know, my husband is a pastor. As such, we often find ourselves helping other people with their heavy burdens. Grieving with them at the loss of a loved one, pleading with the truth of God's Word for a marriage that's breaking, praying with them when their hearts are overwhelmed and overcome with sadness. This is a great privilege.
Well, these past six weeks, we have seen a beautiful thing. We have experienced this love and support of our spiritual family. When I have lost hope, I have received a note of God's goodness and grace. When my day is filled with tears, flowers show up at our front door. When I grow weary in my waiting for answers, my phone is flooded with text messages about God's character. When my heart is tempted to be bitter about the trial I am experiencing, a loving friend shares her story of how God has turned her bitterness to joy. The Facebook messages, the song links, the financial gifts, the prayers.
Most of you likely know that we have been waiting now for the Ethiopian government to give the final word as to whether we can move forward with this adoption. In the past six weeks, we have updated our home study (another whole long story), made an agreement with an adoption agency who's willing to help us, contacted private investigators, received news that Oliver is truly an orphan--able to be adopted, chased after state representatives and DOS officers, scrambled to gather papers that could possibly help us move forward...All without any guarantee from Ethiopia.
These days have grown long. The Psalms have been my dearest counselors of God's goodness. And just when I was growing so weary, I thought I could not wait another day...my spiritual family helped me to raise my head to the Father, to trust and rest in Him.
Last week, that was precisely where I found myself. Weary. Sad. With an incredibly heavy heart. Every simple little thing was making me cry. Plain and simple. I was a basket case.
My sister had invited us over for dinner that night. Though I felt like showing up in my sweats, I cleaned up for the night and we headed over to their home. We walked into their home, and we were greeted not just by my sister and brother-in-law and their sweet twins--but also by a number of our friends. I was taken back a bit...not sure what to expect. But then I saw some pictures of my son, placed prominently with a card. I didn't know what they had in mind, but I knew it had something to do with our son. I couldn't hold back the tears.
Soon we learned that these dear friends had all gathered on our behalf. They had gathered to pray for us. These, who had long been bearing this weight of ours in the quietness of their own homes, had gathered to bring our requests before the Father.
Dave and I sat in their living room, hand in hand, as these brothers and sisters began to intercede for us. They passed around these prepared lists--which guided the night of prayer. They started by praying for Dave and I. They prayed:
Scripture is filled with admonitions of how we ought to live within this new spiritual family. How we ought to treat one another and interact together. How we ought to respond when someone hurts us or wrongs us. How we ought to uphold each other when one falls down or feels burdened with a heavy load.
As most of you know, my husband is a pastor. As such, we often find ourselves helping other people with their heavy burdens. Grieving with them at the loss of a loved one, pleading with the truth of God's Word for a marriage that's breaking, praying with them when their hearts are overwhelmed and overcome with sadness. This is a great privilege.
Well, these past six weeks, we have seen a beautiful thing. We have experienced this love and support of our spiritual family. When I have lost hope, I have received a note of God's goodness and grace. When my day is filled with tears, flowers show up at our front door. When I grow weary in my waiting for answers, my phone is flooded with text messages about God's character. When my heart is tempted to be bitter about the trial I am experiencing, a loving friend shares her story of how God has turned her bitterness to joy. The Facebook messages, the song links, the financial gifts, the prayers.
Most of you likely know that we have been waiting now for the Ethiopian government to give the final word as to whether we can move forward with this adoption. In the past six weeks, we have updated our home study (another whole long story), made an agreement with an adoption agency who's willing to help us, contacted private investigators, received news that Oliver is truly an orphan--able to be adopted, chased after state representatives and DOS officers, scrambled to gather papers that could possibly help us move forward...All without any guarantee from Ethiopia.
These days have grown long. The Psalms have been my dearest counselors of God's goodness. And just when I was growing so weary, I thought I could not wait another day...my spiritual family helped me to raise my head to the Father, to trust and rest in Him.
Last week, that was precisely where I found myself. Weary. Sad. With an incredibly heavy heart. Every simple little thing was making me cry. Plain and simple. I was a basket case.
My sister had invited us over for dinner that night. Though I felt like showing up in my sweats, I cleaned up for the night and we headed over to their home. We walked into their home, and we were greeted not just by my sister and brother-in-law and their sweet twins--but also by a number of our friends. I was taken back a bit...not sure what to expect. But then I saw some pictures of my son, placed prominently with a card. I didn't know what they had in mind, but I knew it had something to do with our son. I couldn't hold back the tears.
Soon we learned that these dear friends had all gathered on our behalf. They had gathered to pray for us. These, who had long been bearing this weight of ours in the quietness of their own homes, had gathered to bring our requests before the Father.
Dave and I sat in their living room, hand in hand, as these brothers and sisters began to intercede for us. They passed around these prepared lists--which guided the night of prayer. They started by praying for Dave and I. They prayed:
- For Patience in tribulation (Romans 12:12; James 1:12)
- To have the mind of Christ (Phil. 2:5)
- To "truth" ourselves when temptation to think on lies comes (John 17:17)
- To have Joy in the midst of difficulty (Phil. 4:4; James 1:2)
- Battle Fear and Anxiety; to Pray out of a trusting heart and resting in God's sovereignty (James 1:6; Phil. 4:6-7)
- To Battle Discontentment (Job 1:21)
- For our Overwhelming responsibilities and To-do List (Phil. 4:19)
- That we would Taste and See that the Lord is Good-even in the midst of pain (Ps. 34:8)
- That God's Presence would be tangible (Is. 41:13)
My tears would not be stopped. I could not believe that these friends had gathered just for us, just to love us and to pray for us.
They continued to pray for Oliver:
- Praised God that Oliver has been located. God, the "Helper of the Fatherless" has done this.
- Prayer for his Safety
- Prayer for his Health
- Prayer for his Livelihood and wellbeing as he is being shuffled around from place to unknown place
- Prayer for his Caretakers-that they may shower him with love and tenderness, special care
Our evening continued with dinner and fellowship, but they concluded with one last season of prayer for us. They prayed for the obstacles in our way. They prayed for the desires of our hearts.
Step by step, they prayed through the rest of the things that would have to happen before Oliver would come home. They prayed that God would grant our desires and accomplish this work quickly. They prayed that whatever God did, our hearts would rest.
Never before have I been so humbled and felt so loved. I praise God for the gift that He has given in blessing us with a spiritual family. God did not need to supply us with a number of friends who have reached out to us in a variety of ways, but He has. What an incredible blessing.
I thank each of you who has been following our story, who has prayed on your own, who has demonstrated your love, who has prayed with us, who has written notes or emails, who has sent text messages. Whether your support has been done in a public way or has been a private intercession in prayer--I thank God for you.
And now, as we wait, please pray that the government of Ethiopia would decide soon what will happen with our case...how they would like us to proceed, if they would like us to proceed. We are also praying that the orphanage director would see fit to send us an update and picture of Oliver, who is now about six months old. Thank you for your prayers.
Friday, March 14, 2014
I Don't Have Any Promises
Dave here this time, just to offer some "rough" thoughts from my heart.
I have been thinking long and hard about the biblical account of Abraham, particularly reflecting upon the bold faith that was required for him to leave all that he had ever known in order to go to a place that the Lord hadn’t even revealed to him yet.
Comparing our present situation to Abram’s, I thought: How easy it was from Abram to believe since he had been given an amazing set of promises, directly from the Lord…but, in the middle of all this adoption waiting and uncertainty, we don’t have any promises like that.
I went so far as to verbalize this to a couple of godly friends, who probably immediately saw the flaw in my thinking, but graciously said nothing to correct me, realizing that I just needed to come out of the theological fog that trials often produce (they did much better than Job’s friends!).
Nonetheless, here is the reality of our situation: we don’t have a promise exactly like Abraham’s; the Lord has not spoken to us to assure us that our son is indeed coming home. None of that has happened.
But we do have promises. How wrong I was! In fact, we are the recipients of God’s promised blessing through Abraham! Ultimately, he was promised not just a great number of descendants, but a single Descendant — the Christ, the Son whom God would send, rather than spare (Is. 9:6; Rom. 8:32; Gal. 4:4-5). Ironically, it is the fulfillment of that very promise to Abraham that presently is assuring us that God is for us (He’s on our side!), that nothing can separate us from His love, and that for us all things will work together for the good (Rom. 8:31-39, 28).
Now we certainly understand that the good that God is working may not be that He is bringing Oliver home, although it looks like this possibility is getting stronger by the day. Rather, the good that He is working is the degree to which God further chisels Emiley and me to look like Jesus, the One who is our brother by virtue of our blood-purchased adoption into God’s family (Rom. 8:29)! In that way, our good and God’s glory are inseparably linked.
In light of all this, friends, please don’t tell us: I have faith that God will bring your son home. Frankly, our faith is not in what we want God to do. Rather, our faith is in God Himself, based upon who He has revealed Himself to be and based upon what He has done for us in Christ. If you’ve said that to us, we know you mean well, and we sure love you still! In fact, we were moved that you said anything to us at all. But, please know that our faith is in God, not necessarily in a particular outcome for this situation.
And so the hard reality facing us today is still that we do not know what God will do; we are not assured that God will bring our son home. Yet what we do know is that God has sent His Son to bring us “home” — adopted, clothed in a perfect white garment, seated at His table, sharing an inheritance with Jesus, and enjoying its guarantee already. Since God has proved Himself to be for us in this resounding and irrefutably objective way, we must fight to trust Him to do what is best in this situation — to disseminate the gospel through us, to show forth His glory, to make us more like Jesus, and a countless other billion things that exist in His mind alone.
I have been thinking long and hard about the biblical account of Abraham, particularly reflecting upon the bold faith that was required for him to leave all that he had ever known in order to go to a place that the Lord hadn’t even revealed to him yet.
Comparing our present situation to Abram’s, I thought: How easy it was from Abram to believe since he had been given an amazing set of promises, directly from the Lord…but, in the middle of all this adoption waiting and uncertainty, we don’t have any promises like that.
I went so far as to verbalize this to a couple of godly friends, who probably immediately saw the flaw in my thinking, but graciously said nothing to correct me, realizing that I just needed to come out of the theological fog that trials often produce (they did much better than Job’s friends!).
Nonetheless, here is the reality of our situation: we don’t have a promise exactly like Abraham’s; the Lord has not spoken to us to assure us that our son is indeed coming home. None of that has happened.
But we do have promises. How wrong I was! In fact, we are the recipients of God’s promised blessing through Abraham! Ultimately, he was promised not just a great number of descendants, but a single Descendant — the Christ, the Son whom God would send, rather than spare (Is. 9:6; Rom. 8:32; Gal. 4:4-5). Ironically, it is the fulfillment of that very promise to Abraham that presently is assuring us that God is for us (He’s on our side!), that nothing can separate us from His love, and that for us all things will work together for the good (Rom. 8:31-39, 28).
Now we certainly understand that the good that God is working may not be that He is bringing Oliver home, although it looks like this possibility is getting stronger by the day. Rather, the good that He is working is the degree to which God further chisels Emiley and me to look like Jesus, the One who is our brother by virtue of our blood-purchased adoption into God’s family (Rom. 8:29)! In that way, our good and God’s glory are inseparably linked.
In light of all this, friends, please don’t tell us: I have faith that God will bring your son home. Frankly, our faith is not in what we want God to do. Rather, our faith is in God Himself, based upon who He has revealed Himself to be and based upon what He has done for us in Christ. If you’ve said that to us, we know you mean well, and we sure love you still! In fact, we were moved that you said anything to us at all. But, please know that our faith is in God, not necessarily in a particular outcome for this situation.
And so the hard reality facing us today is still that we do not know what God will do; we are not assured that God will bring our son home. Yet what we do know is that God has sent His Son to bring us “home” — adopted, clothed in a perfect white garment, seated at His table, sharing an inheritance with Jesus, and enjoying its guarantee already. Since God has proved Himself to be for us in this resounding and irrefutably objective way, we must fight to trust Him to do what is best in this situation — to disseminate the gospel through us, to show forth His glory, to make us more like Jesus, and a countless other billion things that exist in His mind alone.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Letters to My Boy
My sweet Oliver,
For twenty-two days now, I have not known where you were. For these three weeks, every detail concerning bringing you home has been in question. My heart has feared the worst...The silence has been unbearable. I have grieved that perhaps I would never be able to bring you home, son. My arms ache to hold you, to comfort you. I long to see your smile.
But God has truly been my portion. As I have sorrowed, God has provided joy. As I have felt so very lost, the Word has been my Compass, guiding me to think on truth. As all around, my world feels as if it's giving way, God has been my Hope, my Stay, my Anchor.
God has blessed me abundantly with a spiritual family who has supported and uplifted my heavy heart. Some of these are our physical family, while others are apart of our church body. Others have been friends from the past, who have particularly been weighed to bring our situation before the Father. These ones have prayed fervently for you, for me. They have spoken reminders of truth, Who God is, into my life. They have been a gift. Truly.
Amidst the uncertainty, God has seen fit to give us another gift. Since we began this process, my heart has been knit together with another momma who is also waiting for her son to come home. Around the same time, we both began this adoption journey with the same agency. Unknowingly, we were both completing the "paper chase" at the same speed. We both jumped into the "waiting to be matched to our sons" boat at about the same time. It was at this time that I first became acquainted with Clarisa Polanco. Little did I know, we would battle together for you boys. We would weep together. We would fight together. What began as a casual acquaintance has grown into a sisterhood. Together, we pray that our sons will come home. I pray for you, Oliver. And she prays for her Tiago.
Every day that I feel afraid or low, Clarisa knows. When we get good news or bad news, she hears from me. And I hear from her. We rejoice together and we weep together.
Because another friend gifted your Daddy and I with an unexpected trip to Florida, we have been privileged to finally meet Clarisa and Jorge in person. Our time with them has been sweet. They know precisely what we are going through, as they are experiencing the very same emotions.
Our first night, we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, overjoyed to finally be together. The next day, we all sat together as we anxiously listened to a conference call with the ones we hired to find our boys, to investigate into your stories, to find out if you were truly adoptable-in need of our families.
During this call, we learned that they still did not know for sure where you were. We also learned that your stories were indeed true; and, provided you are found and that Ethiopia allows us to continue, we could still adopt you. We learned that two other adoption agencies were willing to work with us and the Polancos respectively. It would not be easy. The road would not be steady nor straight. It would be costly. The end is still not certain.
But we were given hope. In this we rejoiced.
Although there were still many uncertainties, we rejoiced at this new information. The first real information in weeks. When our call was finished, your Daddy led us all in prayer and we thanked God for His goodness and prayed for further news and direction.
The rest of the day, our conversation was filled with questions and hopes. Together, we rejoiced that there was light--You may still be coming home.
Finally. On Wednesday, we received an email that calmed my greatest fear of the past month. You have been found. I know where my son is. He is no longer lost. You had been moved hours out of the city to eastern Ethiopia. Your orphanage knows that we want you. That you are connected with us. We are yours and you should be ours. The orphanage has agreed to shelter you and care for you until we can finally bring you home.
We also learned that by the end of this week, another agency has agreed to help us. We will need to redo much of our paperwork. You will need to be re-referred to us. Many of the fees will need to be paid again. The road is uncharted. It is risky. Uncertain. There are still many moving pieces, some of which could end everything.
But today, we have hope.
We are coming.
With love,
Momma
For twenty-two days now, I have not known where you were. For these three weeks, every detail concerning bringing you home has been in question. My heart has feared the worst...The silence has been unbearable. I have grieved that perhaps I would never be able to bring you home, son. My arms ache to hold you, to comfort you. I long to see your smile.
But God has truly been my portion. As I have sorrowed, God has provided joy. As I have felt so very lost, the Word has been my Compass, guiding me to think on truth. As all around, my world feels as if it's giving way, God has been my Hope, my Stay, my Anchor.
God has blessed me abundantly with a spiritual family who has supported and uplifted my heavy heart. Some of these are our physical family, while others are apart of our church body. Others have been friends from the past, who have particularly been weighed to bring our situation before the Father. These ones have prayed fervently for you, for me. They have spoken reminders of truth, Who God is, into my life. They have been a gift. Truly.
Amidst the uncertainty, God has seen fit to give us another gift. Since we began this process, my heart has been knit together with another momma who is also waiting for her son to come home. Around the same time, we both began this adoption journey with the same agency. Unknowingly, we were both completing the "paper chase" at the same speed. We both jumped into the "waiting to be matched to our sons" boat at about the same time. It was at this time that I first became acquainted with Clarisa Polanco. Little did I know, we would battle together for you boys. We would weep together. We would fight together. What began as a casual acquaintance has grown into a sisterhood. Together, we pray that our sons will come home. I pray for you, Oliver. And she prays for her Tiago.
Every day that I feel afraid or low, Clarisa knows. When we get good news or bad news, she hears from me. And I hear from her. We rejoice together and we weep together.
Because another friend gifted your Daddy and I with an unexpected trip to Florida, we have been privileged to finally meet Clarisa and Jorge in person. Our time with them has been sweet. They know precisely what we are going through, as they are experiencing the very same emotions.
Our first night, we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, overjoyed to finally be together. The next day, we all sat together as we anxiously listened to a conference call with the ones we hired to find our boys, to investigate into your stories, to find out if you were truly adoptable-in need of our families.
During this call, we learned that they still did not know for sure where you were. We also learned that your stories were indeed true; and, provided you are found and that Ethiopia allows us to continue, we could still adopt you. We learned that two other adoption agencies were willing to work with us and the Polancos respectively. It would not be easy. The road would not be steady nor straight. It would be costly. The end is still not certain.
But we were given hope. In this we rejoiced.
Although there were still many uncertainties, we rejoiced at this new information. The first real information in weeks. When our call was finished, your Daddy led us all in prayer and we thanked God for His goodness and prayed for further news and direction.
The rest of the day, our conversation was filled with questions and hopes. Together, we rejoiced that there was light--You may still be coming home.
Finally. On Wednesday, we received an email that calmed my greatest fear of the past month. You have been found. I know where my son is. He is no longer lost. You had been moved hours out of the city to eastern Ethiopia. Your orphanage knows that we want you. That you are connected with us. We are yours and you should be ours. The orphanage has agreed to shelter you and care for you until we can finally bring you home.
We also learned that by the end of this week, another agency has agreed to help us. We will need to redo much of our paperwork. You will need to be re-referred to us. Many of the fees will need to be paid again. The road is uncharted. It is risky. Uncertain. There are still many moving pieces, some of which could end everything.
But today, we have hope.
We are coming.
With love,
Momma
God, My Preservation
(earlier this week)
Psalm 16
Lord, when my soul longs for answers-for my son-You have reminded me that You are my portion. You are an abundant and sufficient portion.
God, You preserve my lot--my place in life is held within Your capable hands. Beyond that, You counsel me in the way I should go.
Lord, You preserve the very ground beneath me. Though every day seems to bring shifting sands, I will not be shaken--because of You.
You preserve my heart, my being, my flesh. Because of Who You are, I can have joy. I can be secure in the future, whatever it may bring.
You preserve the path before me. You direct my steps. Despite the unsurety of the storm around me, I can rest in Your presence. Though my heart aches, I can find joy at Your right hand.
Psalm 16
1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
I have no good apart from you.”
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
you hold my lot.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
God, My Preservation
God, You preserve me, guiding and protectingly weary soul. In these days, I have run to you for refuge-and You have given it. Lord, when my soul longs for answers-for my son-You have reminded me that You are my portion. You are an abundant and sufficient portion.
God, You preserve my lot--my place in life is held within Your capable hands. Beyond that, You counsel me in the way I should go.
Lord, You preserve the very ground beneath me. Though every day seems to bring shifting sands, I will not be shaken--because of You.
You preserve my heart, my being, my flesh. Because of Who You are, I can have joy. I can be secure in the future, whatever it may bring.
You preserve the path before me. You direct my steps. Despite the unsurety of the storm around me, I can rest in Your presence. Though my heart aches, I can find joy at Your right hand.
Friday, February 28, 2014
My God, Giver of Rest
Psalm 4
1 Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
4 Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
5 Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.
8 In peace, I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
My God, Giver of Rest
Lord, you have given me relief in my distress. Though my circumstances are uncertain. Though I still have no answers. Though we are not moving an inch. Though I do not know the end. You have caused my heart to rest. My heart rests in you.
To you, Lord, I offer the sacrifice of my heart. The sacrifice of my own will and desires. I offer them to you. Lord, do your work as you desire. Do your will as you see best.
God, I thank you for the sleep that you have provided these last few nights. Before, my heart was so anxious--my mind unable to stop. But you have delivered peace to my mind. You have given me rest. Under the shadow of your winds, though the storms continues to rage about me, I dwell in safety. Your safety.
For these things, I praise you.
1 Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
4 Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
5 Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.
8 In peace, I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
My God, Giver of Rest
Lord, you have given me relief in my distress. Though my circumstances are uncertain. Though I still have no answers. Though we are not moving an inch. Though I do not know the end. You have caused my heart to rest. My heart rests in you.
To you, Lord, I offer the sacrifice of my heart. The sacrifice of my own will and desires. I offer them to you. Lord, do your work as you desire. Do your will as you see best.
God, I thank you for the sleep that you have provided these last few nights. Before, my heart was so anxious--my mind unable to stop. But you have delivered peace to my mind. You have given me rest. Under the shadow of your winds, though the storms continues to rage about me, I dwell in safety. Your safety.
For these things, I praise you.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
My God of Justice
10 Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In arrogance the wicked hotly pursue the poor;
let them be caught in the schemes that they have devised.
3 For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul,
and the one greedy for gain curses[a] and renounces the Lord.
4 In the pride of his face[b] the wicked does not seek him;[c]
all his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
5 His ways prosper at all times;
your judgments are on high, out of his sight;
as for all his foes, he puffs at them.
6 He says in his heart, “I shall not be moved;
throughout all generations I shall not meet adversity.”
7 His mouth is filled with cursing and deceit and oppression;
under his tongue are mischief and iniquity.
8 He sits in ambush in the villages;
in hiding places he murders the innocent.
His eyes stealthily watch for the helpless;
9 he lurks in ambush like a lion in his thicket;
he lurks that he may seize the poor;
he seizes the poor when he draws him into his net.
10 The helpless are crushed, sink down,
and fall by his might.
11 He says in his heart, “God has forgotten,
he has hidden his face, he will never see it.”
let them be caught in the schemes that they have devised.
3 For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul,
and the one greedy for gain curses[a] and renounces the Lord.
4 In the pride of his face[b] the wicked does not seek him;[c]
all his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
5 His ways prosper at all times;
your judgments are on high, out of his sight;
as for all his foes, he puffs at them.
6 He says in his heart, “I shall not be moved;
throughout all generations I shall not meet adversity.”
7 His mouth is filled with cursing and deceit and oppression;
under his tongue are mischief and iniquity.
8 He sits in ambush in the villages;
in hiding places he murders the innocent.
His eyes stealthily watch for the helpless;
9 he lurks in ambush like a lion in his thicket;
he lurks that he may seize the poor;
he seizes the poor when he draws him into his net.
10 The helpless are crushed, sink down,
and fall by his might.
11 He says in his heart, “God has forgotten,
he has hidden his face, he will never see it.”
12 Arise, O Lord; O God, lift up your hand;
forget not the afflicted.
13 Why does the wicked renounce God
and say in his heart, “You will not call to account”?
14 But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation,
that you may take it into your hands;
to you the helpless commits himself;
you have been the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evildoer;
call his wickedness to account till you find none.
forget not the afflicted.
13 Why does the wicked renounce God
and say in his heart, “You will not call to account”?
14 But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation,
that you may take it into your hands;
to you the helpless commits himself;
you have been the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evildoer;
call his wickedness to account till you find none.
16 The Lord is king forever and ever;
the nations perish from his land.
17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
18 to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.
the nations perish from his land.
17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
18 to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.
My God of Justice
God, I thank you for your perfect justice. You are not an unknown vigilante, recklessly carrying out your own kind of justice. You are King of the earth, with all the wisdom and power to carry out perfect justice.
You have seen all. You have seen the wicked take advantage of the poor. You have seen them lie, choosing to reject your existence, while the evil ones laid traps for the helpless. And you have heard the cries of the helpless. You are the helper of the fatherless.
You are King-the King of the earth, the King of Justice. You will win.
God, hear the desire of this afflicted heart. Strengthen this weak heart. Incline your ear to do justice on the behalf of Oliver and all of the other fatherless children, the families that are oppressed. Let the evil ones strike terror no more.
God of Justice, I pray for your action in our situation. Act in accordance to your character. We beg for justice here. And Lord, we rest, knowing that you will bring justice. Whether in this age or the one to come.
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